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2002-10-17

Pensive-Feeling-Love-Relief

I think this goes down on record as the first time I was in a pensive phase AND feeling social. Usually, I slip through the door of my mind, find a comfy spot in the corner where I can watch various halls carry various emotions back and forth across the room, where I can try and recognize them, try and name them, try and slow them just long enough to get a good look. Usually, I want to sit in my comfy spot alone, as external people only distract me, keeping my preoccupation cloudy and distant, when all I want to do is get up IN it and figure shit out. I�m here, in my room, but somehow, I feel like I can come and go openly, like stepping outside a bar to smoke a cigarette, and resume my inner conversation when I wish to, without missing a beat. Huh. Talk about your run-on analogies.

Ooh, I shouldn�t have done that. That was thoughtless, even cruel, if you think about it. I�m putting out a few fires this morning, back and forth with phone calls and meetings, talking to District courts in D.C., working on some big, important shit. I called an employee into my office, to listen to a message with me, from that D.C. court, something about a deadline missed, a motion not received. We listened, we glistened with the physical traces of our stress, and then, I did that.

As I glimpsed the whole picture, I slowly realized that this had not been my project, that nothing was going to fall on me, and then, I said it. Something I should have just thought. With this poor guy sitting right in front of me, I looked up, to my right, at the ceiling, and as my shoulders dropped as I relaxed, I sighed and SAID, �God, I�m so happy this wasn�t my fault. Huh.� Oops. You suck, Barb, you really really suck. His face strained in a maniacal, mocking smile, because you see, this was HIS project, and he said, �Gee, thanks a lot!� Hee hee. I said, �Oh my God, I�m sorry, I should have kept that in my head, but c�mon, you have to admit, it feels good when it�s not your fault, just like this is totally NOT MY FAULT.�

He left with a little crumple fixed in his forehead. I�ve been there. Poor guy. It�s my turn to not deal with the consequences and ramifications of missing BIG, important DEADlines.

Anyway, before I jump onto the next thing in the office, let me tell you that last night was WONDERFUL. Four women and their father, laughing, through dinner, smiling through Disney on Ice, singing through giggles all the way home. Into the second half of the show, Dad started to doze, and we all looked over at him, knowing smiles to each other, Dad always dozed during shows. What great energy I received, felt, experienced, by being around all of my sisters last night. How simply wonderful it was, how utterly filled with joy I am that I was lucky enough to share that time with them. Life is very, very good.

Now, I need to go back to work, concentrating on what�s thrown my way, but never forgetting what lays behind me, waiting to comfort and hold me at the end of this day � my comfy, pensive, room, hallways of emotion, and another of the many �me�s,� feeling more creative than ever.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
Mizz Asshole

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Pensive-Feeling-Love-Relief 2002-10-17 9:49 a.m. I think this goes down on record as the first time I was in a pensive phase AND feeling social. Usually, I slip through the door of my mind, find a comfy spot in the corner where I can watch various halls carry various emotions back and forth across the room, where I can try and recognize them, try and name them, try and slow them just long enough to get a good look. Usually, I want to sit in my comfy spot alone, as external people only distract me, keeping my preoccupation cloudy and distant, when all I want to do is get up IN it and figure shit out. I�m here, in my room, but somehow, I feel like I can come and go openly, like stepping outside a bar to smoke a cigarette, and resume my inner conversation when I wish to, without missing a beat. Huh. Talk about your run-on analogies.

Ooh, I shouldn�t have done that. That was thoughtless, even cruel, if you think about it. I�m putting out a few fires this morning, back and forth with phone calls and meetings, talking to District courts in D.C., working on some big, important shit. I called an employee into my office, to listen to a message with me, from that D.C. court, something about a deadline missed, a motion not received. We listened, we glistened with the physical traces of our stress, and then, I did that.

As I glimpsed the whole picture, I slowly realized that this had not been my project, that nothing was going to fall on me, and then, I said it. Something I should have just thought. With this poor guy sitting right in front of me, I looked up, to my right, at the ceiling, and as my shoulders dropped as I relaxed, I sighed and SAID, �God, I�m so happy this wasn�t my fault. Huh.� Oops. You suck, Barb, you really really suck. His face strained in a maniacal, mocking smile, because you see, this was HIS project, and he said, �Gee, thanks a lot!� Hee hee. I said, �Oh my God, I�m sorry, I should have kept that in my head, but c�mon, you have to admit, it feels good when it�s not your fault, just like this is totally NOT MY FAULT.�

He left with a little crumple fixed in his forehead. I�ve been there. Poor guy. It�s my turn to not deal with the consequences and ramifications of missing BIG, important DEADlines.

Anyway, before I jump onto the next thing in the office, let me tell you that last night was WONDERFUL. Four women and their father, laughing, through dinner, smiling through Disney on Ice, singing through giggles all the way home. Into the second half of the show, Dad started to doze, and we all looked over at him, knowing smiles to each other, Dad always dozed during shows. What great energy I received, felt, experienced, by being around all of my sisters last night. How simply wonderful it was, how utterly filled with joy I am that I was lucky enough to share that time with them. Life is very, very good.

Now, I need to go back to work, concentrating on what�s thrown my way, but never forgetting what lays behind me, waiting to comfort and hold me at the end of this day � my comfy, pensive, room, hallways of emotion, and another of the many �me�s,� feeling more creative than ever.