This morning, I�m feeling almost frustrated. I can�t place it, but I�m feeling a tad bit on edge, and I have LITTLE patience for people. Then, I hit up CNN.com, and find THIS . Yeah, surprise! You think? Someone was famous, on drugs, creative, and ended up killing himself, and you�re JUST now discovering that he had �emotional turmoil?� That�s news, alright, keep up the good work. And I have only one word, one question, for the scorpion woman� Why? How can I feel so good in so many ways, yet so ticked off and bothered by so many things, all at the same time? Hmm?

After I arrived at the office this morning, upon opening my car door, I was greeted with a cool breeze, delivering the scent of eucalyptus and jasmine, so strong that when it hit me, I froze before closing my car door, and breathed in deeply, and in the tiny exhale before my next deep inhale, I couldn�t help but smile. So why this misanthropy? I seem to be getting along just fine with nature. Yet I have this kink in my neck that seems to be getting worse.

When I got into my office and flipped on the light, I gasped at the sight, emptiness, cleared desk, what�s wrong with this picture? Ah yes, I cleaned up and organized in here yesterday afternoon, something I rarely have time to do. A morning conversation with Pixie about a coworker no one is too keen on, and a discovery that this person was loitering in the dark doorway of the office next to mine, listening to us. Should we feel bad? Why was he hiding in the dark? I�ve caught him doing things like that before, behind a tree, in the corner, lingering between two buildings. Odd. So of course, once learning of this, I�m racking my brain. What did I say? How loud did I say it? If he was standing in front of me, would I say it again? I don�t like to say things about people that I wouldn�t say to their face.

But shit happens, I suck, and sometimes, I do just that. I doubt I�d say to his face that certain characteristics of his repulse me, but I HAVE said, in a euphemistic, yet forceful way, to stop doing those certain things, and I can be pretty blunt. I feel careless and mean. My first reaction was �fuck it,� which just goes to show how little I care. And see, I thought I was a caring person. This is a morning of self-discovery after all.

My mother has an important doctor�s appointment this afternoon. I think I know where all of my problems and emotions are coming from right now. I�m battling conflicting feelings on so many levels, I may end up popping one of these pills from one of these �evidence� bags just to take the edge off. How can I care for people who don�t care about themselves? How can I grieve and stress, and worry, and fear, when I know sickness is caused by deliberate actions, over time, that stem from other sicknesses? Deliberate lack of action. How can I accuse someone of being deliberate, when that someone doesn�t even know what she�s doing? What she�s done?

Today�s quote was from Dali, �While we are asleep in this world, we are awake in another one.� I wish I could know her in one of those other worlds. Because sometimes, looking back, looking now, on some level in my life, a big part of her has never been fully conscious here. And we wonder why I�m such a wreck today, and why I�m choosing, like a toddler, to use innocent shit-heads for my outlet. I�ll just get lost in my work� that sounds good. I�ve got a LOT to do.

-Barbarella

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