Fact: If I HAD voted, I would have voted Republican across the board.

Wow, last night was so wonderfully cathartic and relaxing, the only thing missing from it was a bubble bath! I DO have my waterproof erotica book, and I think I know what I�ll be doing later. I spent my evening cleaning and reading. There are still boxes and crates about my room (apparently, there wasn�t enough room in my father�s condo for me to take over completely, so my wonderful and beloved items that filled my last few places � books, candles, and pictures mostly - are stacked neatly off to the side, waiting for the day I move into my own place again; soon, my lovelies� soon), but aside from the stacks, there is a neat, organized feeling to my room now.

The rug is vacuumed, all clothes are clean and put in their proper place (it�s hard when you�re rarely home to keep that in order), the linen is clean, the bathroom is scrubbed, even the cats� domain has been tended to. Between loads of laundry, I read and relaxed, and at the end of the night, I slipped into bed, warm and clean, and from my vantage point, stayed awake just long enough to appreciate the order around me before I welcomed my cats to my side and fell asleep with a delightful, vocal sigh.

So much nicer than the night that was ALMOST in store for me. I�ve never been so happy before to have someone scream at me and hang-up, an extension of her own frustration without care for where it lands, if it stings, if it leaves a mark. A girl who gets everything she wants and doesn�t work for anything she gets. Someone who spits on the idea of appreciation, twisting it into the mere acceptance of what she�s entitled to. Someone who is wounded so deeply, that like a cornered animal, she bites at the faces of those who are trying to give her ointment to soothe her pain, barks and growls as she is being tended to by those who love her, as if through her pain and torment, she can no longer recognize love � all she sees is white-hot pain and anger reflecting back at her, pushing her deeper into herself.

It�s tiring. I�m tired of pointing out good and beauty and love to someone who refuses to see it anywhere. I�m tired of being snapped at and called names during an evening I thought would consist of catching up and laughing. It�s so difficult to love someone as much as I do, and begin to not like her, being around her, because every time I am, I feel drained and bruised. All energy sapped in defending myself, explaining what I meant, for she is always looking for a reason to feel indignant, looking for justification for her pain, because it MUST be coming from those around her, it couldn�t possibly be coming from within. You WILL find what you are looking for. If you are looking for your family to shun you, you will create that by becoming the person they would shun.

I risk anger with this, I risk loathing with this, I risk losing someone I love very much on some level by writing any of this at all. But God DAMMIT, I am SICK of this helpless mentality, this victim-hood, this �why don�t I have this,� and �how am I expected to do anything until I have that.� Ernest Hemingway once said, �Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with what there is.� What pisses me off the most, is that if I were to say all this, the reaction I would get is, �nobody loves me, it�s so hard, fine! Don�t spend time with me if I�m THAT much of a bother, fuckin� leave then�� what I hear in that is: Poor me. No one wants me. No one can deal with me, they don�t love me, wah, wah, fucking WAH!

The world doesn�t owe us anything. Some of us do, however, owe those around us an apology, that doesn�t just come in the form of words. Some of us need to SHOW that we care enough about ourselves and those around us to show some fucking appreciation for all that is done on their behalf, stop whining and bitching about what sucks, and do something completely selfless (which means doing something that doesn�t benefit you in ANY way, aside from that wonderful feeling of seeing someone you love smile). Don�t be defensive. Be receptive. GET it. UNDERSTAND it. And ACT on it.

Because pretty soon here, that support, patience, and understanding is going to give in to your blows, and collapse at your feet. And if you haven�t changed by then, you will most likely blame the crumbled mass in front of you for not withstanding despite your efforts to knock it down. And dear God, how sad that day will be.

I guess I really needed to get that out. Whew! I�ve been hurt a lot in the last several months, and I refuse to take any more pain in order to PROVE that I love someone. I shouldn�t have to keep proving myself. Time for someone else to do some proving of her own. I think I�ll just be in the bubble bath, with my waterproof erotica book. Then surround myself with friends, who ask little, expect less, and appreciate EVERYTHING.

-Barbarella

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