It�s raining, it�s pouring, the old man is snoring� he bumped his head, against the bed, and he didn�t wake up till morning! One of my favorite lullabies, this morning I called my mother and sang it to her softly as she woke up, having still been half asleep when she picked up the ringing phone. What a wonderful day to enter the weekend, with moisture in the air and water on the ground. Wet land, refreshed life. So nice. Makes me think of a quote about love and nature:

�Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of it�s duration.� � D.H. Lawrence said that, or wrote that, whichever. It�s how I feel about a lot of things in life, up to and including the rain (notice my ever-increasing usage of legalese?) Last night was fun and relaxing. My snobby s sharing oysters with us. Ms got those oysters from friends in Martha�s Vineyard and had Spider Monkey & OH over to share in the tasty enjoyment of them. I took their word for it, as the idea alone of the snotty ocean slime that fills those gorgeous shells makes me go �Ew.� I was quite proud of the cheese log I brought, and content with my array of fruit, bread, cheeses and dips. Plenty of flavors kept me occupied as my friends and lover slurped away on these much-traveled oysters.

The entire while, I chanted in my head, �The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things�� the scene in Alice and Wonderland when the Walrus and the Carpenter trick all the little oysters into being their dinner. I like that scene. Anyway, I enjoyed my snacks and mental entertainment, conversation with friends and their appreciation of what was obviously a good thing. I unknowingly tasted Dom Perignon for the first time, which is probably why I didn�t have a headache this morning, as I often do after drinking any kind of champagne. You didn�t think I�d leave that out, did you? Hee hee. Ms isn�t the ONLY snob around. Ha!

This morning I�ve been completing a project at work, today we get out of here at noon. Well, our potluck starts at noon, but I won�t be staying for the duration of it. I need to get home and appreciate the rain! I need to curl up with my cats and stare out the window. I need to watch the drops as they run down the glass in a thousand different patterns, listen to the rhythm of the wind and raindrops dripping on the building and the pavement.

Tonight, my grandfather arrives from New York. I will not be going to pick him up, but I will be spending the day tomorrow with him and my mother. Wish me luck. Have you ever had so much sympathy, pity and love for someone, while at the same time felt so much aggravation, indignation, and anger for them, because of them, for their choices, for their behavior? Conflicting emotions, crashing like waves on rocks, sometimes it�s more than I can handle. Sometimes, you can only smile and appreciate for so long before the thoughts and emotions overwhelm you and you just have to leave. Looking at my grandfather, this one who is still alive, seeing the longing and the pain in his eyes, how simple it is to make him happy, how content he is to see the faces of the girls he didn�t get to watch grow up, to see them living and loving and learning.

The same reasons he is so pleased when he sees them keeps them from spending any time with him. They are busy and living and loving and learning. They don�t stop. They can�t stop. Because if they stop� and they look back� they aren�t prepared for the mountain of emotion behind those old eyes. What deep secrets lurk between father and daughter, the regret is almost palpable. The knowledge of past pain, without the strength or energy to recognize and deal with it. I see it ALL there, I cannot look without seeing it, and once it enters my mind, I can�t let it go� and that�s usually about the time I head home.

But it�s Friday. It�s a weekend before a light week, a week before my week off, and it�s raining outside my office window. I have love in my life such as I�ve never felt before, contentment and joy in levels I�m still adjusting to. These are ALL GOOD THINGS. Seeing my grandfather tomorrow will be just as good. And then, I will go home.

-Barbarella

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