ďWhat is the purpose of the giant sequoia tree? The purpose of the giant sequoia tree is to provide shade for the tiny titmouse. -Edward Abbey, naturalist and author (1927-1989) What the FUCK is a ďtitmouse?Ē
I donít think itís mere coincidence that the wind kept me awake most of the night despite the fact that my cats (surprisingly) slept soundly, and this morning I stumble upon a word like ďtitmouse,Ē which I find both hilarious AND disturbing. Then again, I donít really believe in coincidence to begin with. Last night was the first time I slept in my own bed in quite a while, the longest stretch of time Iíve gone without sleeping in my own bedÖ ever. Crazy, isnít it. Suddenly, I find ďfirst timeísĒ happening all around me, all from me; and here I thought Iíd done a good share of what there is to do. How short-sighted of me, how egotistical and silly to think that I had done and seen a good share of ANYTHING. And you know what? Discovering this (again) only makes my life and my future THAT much more exciting! Because thereís so MUCH to look forward to! Mind-boggling.
My neck hurt a lot this morning, the ache is just now ebbing away, sharp pain to deep ache to dull pulsation to minor stiffness. Sigh. Okay, time to snap out of this daze, I donít believe Iím fully awake yet, and get onto my update, because there is just so much to update!
I need to go to the IRS building today. Get a copy of my 2001 taxes to show at a meeting I have scheduled for next Monday. A meeting to complete the enrollment process for me to get into the University of Phoenix. No, not in Arizona, rather the one right up the freeway here. Yeah, yeah, I knowÖ Iím going to school, or ďbackĒ to school, whatever the phraseology is, Iím doing it, and I have my fingers crossed and my hopes high that everything in this process goes smoothly so that I can begin class on the 29th. Because if it doesnít, if thereís a hitch in the plan, if thereís a problem with the financing or the schedule, or if I donít like something about the face of the man Iím meeting with, I donít trust that Iíll have this same motivation to plow ahead. Weíll see.
You know, itís strange, Iím feeling very low in my self-confidence today. I wonder whatís going on in the deep spaces of my subconscious, what words are being spoken that I cannot hear, but whose echoes ring in my ears and cause this sort of funk Iím feeling. Annoying, is what it is, but Iím sure it will surface eventually. It helps that I organized the piles in my office that were overwhelming me yesterday morning. I have a handle on things. Iím getting things done. Iím improving myself. Iím living and learning and loving, making headway on the paths to my goals, spending quality time with family and friends when the opportunities present themselves, writing and reading, and fuck, even my room is cleaner and more organized than I can remember it being at any residence of mine in the last several years. I have no stress, no drama, no pain, no worryÖ Iím Living and Learning and Loving.
So why do I feel like I'm about to cry?