�What is the purpose of the giant sequoia tree? The purpose of the giant sequoia tree is to provide shade for the tiny titmouse. -Edward Abbey, naturalist and author (1927-1989) What the FUCK is a �titmouse?�

I don�t think it�s mere coincidence that the wind kept me awake most of the night despite the fact that my cats (surprisingly) slept soundly, and this morning I stumble upon a word like �titmouse,� which I find both hilarious AND disturbing. Then again, I don�t really believe in coincidence to begin with. Last night was the first time I slept in my own bed in quite a while, the longest stretch of time I�ve gone without sleeping in my own bed� ever. Crazy, isn�t it. Suddenly, I find �first time�s� happening all around me, all from me; and here I thought I�d done a good share of what there is to do. How short-sighted of me, how egotistical and silly to think that I had done and seen a good share of ANYTHING. And you know what? Discovering this (again) only makes my life and my future THAT much more exciting! Because there�s so MUCH to look forward to! Mind-boggling.

My neck hurt a lot this morning, the ache is just now ebbing away, sharp pain to deep ache to dull pulsation to minor stiffness. Sigh. Okay, time to snap out of this daze, I don�t believe I�m fully awake yet, and get onto my update, because there is just so much to update!

I need to go to the IRS building today. Get a copy of my 2001 taxes to show at a meeting I have scheduled for next Monday. A meeting to complete the enrollment process for me to get into the University of Phoenix. No, not in Arizona, rather the one right up the freeway here. Yeah, yeah, I know� I�m going to school, or �back� to school, whatever the phraseology is, I�m doing it, and I have my fingers crossed and my hopes high that everything in this process goes smoothly so that I can begin class on the 29th. Because if it doesn�t, if there�s a hitch in the plan, if there�s a problem with the financing or the schedule, or if I don�t like something about the face of the man I�m meeting with, I don�t trust that I�ll have this same motivation to plow ahead. We�ll see.

You know, it�s strange, I�m feeling very low in my self-confidence today. I wonder what�s going on in the deep spaces of my subconscious, what words are being spoken that I cannot hear, but whose echoes ring in my ears and cause this sort of funk I�m feeling. Annoying, is what it is, but I�m sure it will surface eventually. It helps that I organized the piles in my office that were overwhelming me yesterday morning. I have a handle on things. I�m getting things done. I�m improving myself. I�m living and learning and loving, making headway on the paths to my goals, spending quality time with family and friends when the opportunities present themselves, writing and reading, and fuck, even my room is cleaner and more organized than I can remember it being at any residence of mine in the last several years. I have no stress, no drama, no pain, no worry� I�m Living and Learning and Loving.

So why do I feel like I'm about to cry?

-Barbarella

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