This morning I shed a tear for the innocent victims of youth infused with hatred and ignorance.

This came after a very busy morning and a lot of office drama (none of which was started by me, thank you). People frustrated, people fucking up, people getting in trouble, bosses disappointed, shit-talk and rolling eyes, it doesn�t lend for a very comfortable air. I had a client visit from the east coast, he was nice. His wife is a professional ballerina. I just went to the ballet. A lovely break from the rest of the people here.

My morning before all this started out lovely. Comfortable, as always, with images of flowers and grass in my mind, My lover�s arm around me, an audible smile in his wakeful sigh. Such love in the world, despite the horrors that abound. This morning, I didn�t think about anything bad or ugly. I didn�t think at all. I felt -- happy and joyful. Almost ecstatic with comfort, until the inevitable twinge of time-panic got me up and at�em.

Now, back from lunch, the day half over, I�m looking forward to going back to Frye�s. That�s right, I�m GETTING that phone, and I�m gonna take PICTURES with it. Fuckin� Cingular, raping me all this time and I don�t even have color! Damn single-toned rings, I want an orchestra! Last night I purchased a digital dictionary and it�s damaged, so I have to bring it back. I�m naturally alliterative, you know. I didn�t even have to think about that.

While at lunch, I received my third compliment in two days regarding my blush. Flattering, as I don�t wear any. I enjoy the disbelievers who actually want to touch my face, insisting that I tell them where I got the magic make-up I�m not wearing. I�ll appreciate that for a bit today, among other things, among not thinking of those things that upset me, among trying not to feel as if I�m a bad person for avoiding those thoughts of those things that upset me. Whatever was wrong with not wanting to be sad? I thought that not being sad was a good thing, but then I thought perhaps I was playing some game of reality avoidance. And then I stumbled onto this gem:

�You must learn day by day, year by year, to broaden your horizon. The more you love, the more you are interested in, the more you enjoy, the more you are indignant about, the more you have left when anything happens.� � Ethyle Barrymore

I see. So what you�re telling us, Ethyle, is that it�s okay to be upset and indignant over something one moment and in the next breath, praise something beautiful, tell someone you love him/her, learn something new� whether it pains you or makes you smile. Learn something new and care about it in some way, allow it to make you smile or make you cry, as long as you don�t respond with indifference. With apathy.

This morning I smiled, I wept, I stressed, I laughed, I worked, I bitched, I talked, I typed, I smiled again. How wonderful emotions are. How ALIVE I feel today. I have so much joy in my life. So much joy, I could weep again.

-Barbarella

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