This morning I shed a tear for the innocent victims of youth infused with hatred and ignorance.
This came after a very busy morning and a lot of office drama (none of which was started by me, thank you). People frustrated, people fucking up, people getting in trouble, bosses disappointed, shit-talk and rolling eyes, it doesnít lend for a very comfortable air. I had a client visit from the east coast, he was nice. His wife is a professional ballerina. I just went to the ballet. A lovely break from the rest of the people here.
My morning before all this started out lovely. Comfortable, as always, with images of flowers and grass in my mind, My loverís arm around me, an audible smile in his wakeful sigh. Such love in the world, despite the horrors that abound. This morning, I didnít think about anything bad or ugly. I didnít think at all. I felt -- happy and joyful. Almost ecstatic with comfort, until the inevitable twinge of time-panic got me up and atíem.
Now, back from lunch, the day half over, Iím looking forward to going back to Fryeís. Thatís right, Iím GETTING that phone, and Iím gonna take PICTURES with it. Fuckiní Cingular, raping me all this time and I donít even have color! Damn single-toned rings, I want an orchestra! Last night I purchased a digital dictionary and itís damaged, so I have to bring it back. Iím naturally alliterative, you know. I didnít even have to think about that.
While at lunch, I received my third compliment in two days regarding my blush. Flattering, as I donít wear any. I enjoy the disbelievers who actually want to touch my face, insisting that I tell them where I got the magic make-up Iím not wearing. Iíll appreciate that for a bit today, among other things, among not thinking of those things that upset me, among trying not to feel as if Iím a bad person for avoiding those thoughts of those things that upset me. Whatever was wrong with not wanting to be sad? I thought that not being sad was a good thing, but then I thought perhaps I was playing some game of reality avoidance. And then I stumbled onto this gem:
ďYou must learn day by day, year by year, to broaden your horizon. The more you love, the more you are interested in, the more you enjoy, the more you are indignant about, the more you have left when anything happens.Ē Ė Ethyle Barrymore
I see. So what youíre telling us, Ethyle, is that itís okay to be upset and indignant over something one moment and in the next breath, praise something beautiful, tell someone you love him/her, learn something newÖ whether it pains you or makes you smile. Learn something new and care about it in some way, allow it to make you smile or make you cry, as long as you donít respond with indifference. With apathy.
This morning I smiled, I wept, I stressed, I laughed, I worked, I bitched, I talked, I typed, I smiled again. How wonderful emotions are. How ALIVE I feel today. I have so much joy in my life. So much joy, I could weep again.