ďI feel like Iím just on the brink of being me.Ē Ė I wrote this in an email I sent to a friend in May, 2001. I didnít realize then just how true that statement was for me. Written at a time when I didnít have much of my shit together, didnít have much of a clue as to what I was doing, what I wanted to do. Itís nice to have a sense of self. Itís good to know where you stand in your life, and something Iíve only realized this year is that itís even better to know where you stand when you are not weighed down by concerns and worries for where you will be standing in the future.
I donít want to spend all my time and energy in a hypothetical La-la land. The only way to be me is to know me as I am now, and thatís where Iíd like to stay, thankyouverymuch. But enough of my pondering.
I witnessed the most psychotic episode of road rage this morning! From a Dead-Head, no less! I thought these hippies were all about peace and love, man. But no, when this punk with long blonde hair (Iím not sure of its gender) was cut off by someone not paying enough attention to her depth-perception, a demon was unleashed. Dead-Head was in front of me, and now an older lady in a white jeep was in front of Dead-Head. Blondie rode Jeepís ass HARD, and every time jeep had to slow down for a dip, Blondie slammed the breaks so hard, I heard the screech and saw the tire marks. Blondieís arm was raised to support a constant bird, middle-finger frozen upwards for everyone to see. Then, Blondie zipped into oncoming traffic, made someone swerve in order not to hit the Dead-Head car, and cut in front of Jeep, still holding that rude, Fuck-you finger high. Holy shit! WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??
One block later, Blondie pulled over, obviously at its destination in this residential area, and glared at Jeep as she passed by, and as I passed by behind her, I looked psychosis right in its ugly face. I wish I had a tranquilizer gun. I was appalled, amused, horrified, and disgusted, all at the same time. These are the people I want to punish. That is the behavior I want eradicated, and I want to be the eradicator! One step at a time. I have these little projects going on, little things I can do in order to punish stupid people. I canít help it, itís like I NEED to have a say, teach a lesson, make a point. Thatís all I can say for now.
My distaste for people in general grows daily, and itís not a ďlovingĒ feeling, all this disgust that turns the corner of my lip up in a sneer. Sure, Iíd like to be all-accepting, Iíd love to be Mother-freakiní-Teresa, but the truth is, Iím not. And lately, well, I would just rather be me.
M.s. gets home tonight! Oh, how I cannot wait to torture the one that I love as I expend my pent up lust. The poor, poor dear. How Iíve missed him.