“We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.” - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
So I took a day yesterday. Took a day to treat myself to some medical attention and then took the time to control as much as I possibly could of M.s.’s new business. Hee hee. Honestly though, I want to help more than I need to control in that regard. Things seem to be falling into place nicely this early on. How exciting it all is!
Today I’m a bit tired. I was up last night, in pain, awake, stressed perhaps for the day ahead, back at the office. It’s all gone quite well, though. Work is getting done, I’m alive, if a bit tired, and I know I’ll get through class tonight. I need to try not to pout so much.
Man, I fucking KNOW how to POUT.
So I’m trying not to pout as much. Though I LOVE the attention when someone comes running to my rescue, I fear the inevitable “get over it and move on” that I KNOW one of my loved ones will throw at me. And what’s worse, I know that they would be right. They always are when I’m moping. Because moping is just a fucking waste of time.
We can sit and analyze why our lives suck, why we’re not happy, what we think we need, what we think we want. We can lament our past and pine for a future of our choice. We can hide and whine and cry. I stood in the shower last night, around 2-something in the morning, and just cried. It felt good. Just feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I had bad cramps.
Today, I’m not upset. The pain subsides, and what is left? Everything else. Every wonderful, amazing, beautiful thing. Francois, you have a point. I know people who are quick to point out their own flaws. They are usually the ones who are trying to deflect attention from some basic, horrible and ugly belief they have about themselves, their actual “true perceived flaw.” Sometimes they’re right to hide who they are. Sometimes, it’s a pity the world is missing out on what they could share if they’d only see their worth in terms of what they have and love and not in terms of what they think other people want or expect of them.
But enough broad generalizations and lecture. M.s. got me a new bed frame! He is going to make my new room so beautiful and worthy of me! Worthy of his Mistress, his lover, his friend. And that’s saying a LOT. My value is endless. My abilities are barely revealed, and my potential is very far away on the horizon. There is so much to look forward to!
But I’m happy NOW.