ďThat is a very Earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. ... There is no why.Ē - a quote from the Slaughter-House Five, by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
This passage was a swift kick to my paradigm. I have been known to spend a lot of brainpower asking that simple, little question. Why am I here? What does it mean? Why her? Why me? Why not me? Why this? What a waste of philosophical crap. There is NO answer. Therefore, asking itself becomes a self-centered waste of time. Do you really think that a dog that gets hit while running across a freeway stops for a moment before death to ponder, ďwhy did that car have to hit THIS pup?Ē Do flies get depressed when they attack the screen again and again but just canít seem to GET OUT? Huh. And the little revelations keep popping up in my head.
If there is no ďwhy,Ē then we have no choice but to accept and appreciate. Iíll have to remember that the next time Iím tempted to ask. When Iím in an unpleasant situation, rather than making myself more miserable and quandarific (Barbarism) with ďWhy?Ēs, Iíll remember that there is no why and deal with the cards Iíve been dealt. How very fucking Zen that will be.
Back to the real world. I just witnessed the craziest thing - a tick in the middle of my CHEEK. Thatís right, I just got so upset with someone, my cheek began to twitch. Feeling the strong pulsation, I went to the mirror on the wall of my office (just as important as Van Goghís Starry Night, framed in front of me), and sure enough, my cheek was moving. Visibly moving. Very visibly. It was odd enough to feel it, but to see it... that was just freaky. Proof that I am ready for vacation. I have been cursory with everyone this week, I am curt and abrupt with some, simply avoiding others, and overall, not in the mood to deal with any of it anymore.
That was nice. I just had a little emotional breakdown in the office. Pixie witnessed it. Embarrassing. I just... I just couldnít think about it anymore, I couldnít deal with it anymore, she kept buzzing me and asking for things and those things are just NOT HERE, and her innuendos, and her condescension, and Iím so stressed, just so stressed... I just broke down. My makeup reflects the cool, composed aftermath that I am now, no smears, not a speck of color out of place. Itís perfect. My eyes, however, are red. I wish the day was over, and all I can think is WHY. Why canít she communicate like a normal person? Why canít they all just leave me the fuck alone?
But I remember - because. So now, with no whys... Iím just going to deal with the situation Iím in, without explanation as to why I am in it.
Right now, I will deal with this situation by going for a brisk little walk outside in the fresh air, and I will be sure to take many DEEP breaths. I will come back calm, so that nobody will have to ask "why" they got hurt.