ďAlways aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.Ē - Mahatma Gandhi
This past week I was a complete nut-case. The tiniest inconvenience or frustration would push me over the edge of my capacity. Of my sanity. Basically, I have felt overwhelmed, that there is not enough time to do everything I need to do, everything I want to do. Last week, the little quote on my desk was, ďOK, so Iím not perfect.Ē It couldnít have been more apropos. Today, I pulled the next card, and it simply says, ďAbundance.Ē
I worry a LOT about time. But I realize, there is an abundance of time, and my choices are okay. My choices are MINE. It does not matter if my choice does not impress or benefit anyone else. My family gives me a hard time for not being available, for not being a part of the group. They guilt me with phrases like, ďI guess youíre too busy,Ē or, ďmaybe you could pencil us in.Ē They hint and boldly state that they feel as though they are not a priority in my life.
I don't handle the guilt very well, because on many levels, I would rather spend time with family and friends than study or work. But I have chosen work over socializing and school over family-time. I realize now that itís OKAY that I decided to continue my education. Itís OKAY to work full-time to supplement my bills and add to my professional skills. Itís OKAY to spend every weekend working on a new business venture in hopes that it will support me in the future. Even if it doesnít, the experience is priceless. Itís okay, because I am working to better myself in every way, and this will better those around me. Itís not like Iím too busy sitting on my ass or partying to show up when itís important to do so.
I am not sorry that I donít have the time to hang out and do nothing for an hour here or an hour there. I am not sorry that I chose to go back to school and help open a business while still working full-time. Actually, Iím quite proud of all that I am suddenly able to do. I am not sorry that I spend what little free time I have with my partner in every way, M.s. And I will NOT be sorry in the future when I am reaping the benefits of all this work. So I refuse to apologize any more.
My goals are visible. I will get there. Until I do, my family, my friends must be patient with the fact that I am not around. In the long run, theyíll all be happy for it. And if theyíre not? Fuck Ďem. Iíll be happy for it, and so will anyone who ever gave two shits about me. I will not worry about the time Iím not giving to others right now. In order to be a social diva, in order to be taken seriously in the art world, the gallery world, the REAL WORLD, it seems as though I need to step back socially for a little while, work on myself and my ventures, and then when I arrive back on the scene, I will be a force to be reckoned with.
It sounds good in print. Letís see if I can put it into practice. I have faith in myself and the abundance around me.
I need to stop apologizing and continue working. What is that quote? Never explain yourself - your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it.
Right now, as ever in this life, it's ALL ABOUT ME. And I'm totally okay with that.