ďThe sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.Ē - Thomas Hardy
I might as well share the inner workings of my mind this morning, because I canít really think about anything else until I figure shit out in my head, and I feel like writing. It helps me, you know. They brought in bagels. I had one. Now, I feel like I have to vomit. I have to write, because I need to rationalize to my emotions before they can agree with my mind. Itís a constant bargain my brain is involved in.
See, the thing is... I am OBSESSIVE. This works in two ways - the positive, and the negative. The negative is obvious - I obsess over failures, I obsess over worries and stress, and it can be debilitating. Iíve been really, really stressed at work lately. The way I avoid obsessing over something negative is to obsess over something positive. So, for the last month or so, Iíve been obsessively looking forward to this weekend. If my mind got overwhelmed, I would remember that I have something to look forward to.
For the sake of my mood, it is necessary for me to have things to look forward to. When I suddenly became aware that my plan will be impossible, it jarred me. Only one thought kept repeating itself, like a mantra, over and over, incessant in my mind: No. No, no, no, it canít be, this was the PLAN. Iím so attached to my ideas of the way things are going to turn out, that I forget itís OKAY if things turn out differently. Sometimes itís even better.
My feelings are mixed today. My mind says -- hey, no worries, another day! Itís just a commercialized holiday for the sake of capitalism, it doesnít mean anything, it doesnít matter if you have special time on that day because you have special time every day! This is fine, thereís plenty of stuff to get done, youíll figure it out... more importantly, donít be contagious and upset the man you love, the man you should be supporting, with the despair you felt when your idea of the coming weekend was shattered. This is part of the deal, this is part of responsibility, and you should take it, not shirk it. My mind says - how dare I feel so distraught, when I should be sucking it up and going with the flow? I should say, ďno worries!Ē and make the best out of it, and be pleasant company throughout. I should be making him feel better, not worse.
My emotional being says something completely different, and it is far from articulate. My emotional being says, Ė cry. Cry a lot. Cruel world, cruel situations, taking away what little enjoyment and hope I have... be indignant. Pout. Feel guilty, because itís not his fault and heís just as stuck as you are, if not more. Feel bad. Now cry because you feel bad, and cry because thereís no way out and the next thing you have to look forward to is well over a month away. Ah, but look forward to that! Suck it up. Try to smile. Donít let Ďem see you when youíre down. Ego. Stupid. So stupid to feel this upset over something so silly.
I can really work something up in my head, you know. I like little pots of gold at the end of every blinding, arduous rainbow. Itís how I cope. Disappointment from something I was looking forward to is being told, halfway up the mountain, that at the top there is nothing more than another mountain to climb and itís twice as tall.
These are the workings of the obsessive mind. Today, our office is closed. I am here, though, getting caught up with a handful of other guilt-ridden employees. This weekend, my family is in town from New York and my father gets back from Germany. All I want to do is hide with the love of my life and not deal with the world. I wanted to ascribe importance and relish in the fact that I have such love on the day that has celebrated lovers throughout my life. These are the days I am reminded of what a girl I am. You can take her nose out of the romance novel... but you canít take the romance novel out of her mind, no matter how well you rationalize.