ďThree grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.Ē - Joseph Addison
Iím sure Iíve used this quote before to explain how truly happy I am. I always have these three things in my life to excess. Itís only when I forget one of them that I forget my happiness. I donít have much to say right now, but for the sake of my discipline, my urge to write and to share, I will say a whole lot of nothing anyway. Iíve been very pensive this week. I have been almost... mopey. A combination of premenstrual hormone fluctuations and stress. Iím bogged down, people. I donít have time to THINK. I donít have time to BE. Having things to do does make me happy, but sometimes I just want to do nothing. Though I may have a moment to sit here and there, a moment to relax, my mind does not pay attention. It continues to incessantly question me when and how Iím going to get everything done. Whatís next, what about this and that? This assignment, this project, this gathering, these plans... What about people? You never see them, you donít have time, you canít deal with the stress of getting together because you will only be thinking about all of the other things you should be doing, and then you will feel bad and guilty and frustrated and fucked.
Sigh . Iíll get it done. One thing at a time. I will. And I will have time, eventually, to spend with the people in my life whom I miss the most right now. I just want to get away from all of my responsibilities and obligations for one day.
You know whatís ironic, though, the day that happens, Iíll be pissed that Iíve got nothing to do and Iíll just create more projects for myself. Weíll see. I think what frustrates me the most is I want to work on something I WANT to work on. Not something other people want me to work on. Not bosses or teachers or family or friends. Obligation stresses me out. I apparently need to clear up some of my commitments, because at this rate, Iím way overbooked.
Right now, I donít like people. I donít want them talking to me, I donít want them looking in my direction, I want them all to shut their little mouths, turn in their little places, and walk the other way.
Right now, I'm quite happy being pissy.