Man, I am MOODY today. From the time I stood up this morning, I could tell my mood was all funked up. I felt... cranky. Annoyed. Anxious. Pissed. My deal? I wasnít so sure. I moped around, put some clothes on, didnít bother with more than a dash of liquid liner on each eye, and sulked my way to my car and then to the office.
When I was a child, I would have mornings like this one. Ready for school, in the car with Mom, I would suddenly be overcome with this overwhelming feeling that I could not go to school. I would nearly hyperventilate if it would get her to turn the car around and let me go back home. Sometimes Iím just not ready to face the day and I freak out. I want to hide. Iíll manifest illness (note: I have not been sick in over a year, not even a cold). This morning, when my stomach cramped up, the first thing I thought Ė and how sick is this Ė was Great! Maybe if I am actually sick I wonít feel so bad about calling in sick! As soon as I realized that my body was merely a cohort to my anxiety and stress, the cramp went away. Iím fine, and Iím not a schoolgirl anymore. If the day is daunting, I still must face it if I want it to go away.
I was a grouch when I got to the office, too. Snippy and snappy, gruffy and grumbly. Tonight I give a presentation in class with my team. Our assignment is incomplete because of one individual, who better be in the hospital or in a coma because he hasnít gotten back to us regarding his work, and there is no other explanation I imagine I would accept. Relying on people that do not come through pisses me off and wears me down. The only annoying thing about the University of Phoenix is that you have to be on these fucking Learning Teams, and your grade is dependant upon others unless you decide (as I have done time and again) to take on more than your fair share. At least the college is realistic to life, that is, if you share the unfortunate fate of needing to rely on others to get your work done.
Midmorning, though, I snapped out of my funk. Sure, Iím still pissed (unless, of course, heís in the hospital) at said classmate, but other than that, I spiked up from depressive to manic so quickly I didnít realize it until someone beamed a smile in response to the apparent grin on my face. Huh. I must be out of it. I consoled someone who was very upset, and seeing her smile appear where tears had been increased my manic-meter even further.
My attitude is better. But fuck if I still donít want this day to be OVER.