I am the fucking queen of procrastination! Here I sit with my lovely little iBook, a Case Study to analyze and write 2000 words about and I choose, perhaps not the wisest decision made regarding my priorities, to update my diary instead. The nerve she has!

This weekend has been just as fantastic as I knew it would be so far, interspersed with little moments of panic. Friday night, Margarita Mary�s was a blast! Old faces, new faces, friends and my father, plenty of booze and Mexican food to go around. Sigh. Good times, good times. Saturday, I had a few break-downs. Suffering from too much excitement, my nerves are on the fritz and I am prone to emote at random.

To spend over 10 years handwriting my thoughts to myself on a daily basis, and four years sharing them anonymously and semi-publicly, then to just put it all OUT there for a city to see, can be a scary experience. My journal, my thoughts, my diary, it�s so� it�s so ME. Nevertheless, my need to share and be heard wins yet again over my trepidations, and I cannot seem to stop myself. OCD can be so delicious at times!

This morning I went to �church� with my father. The Rev greeted me with a genuflection (always the diplomatic prince), and told me what he thought of my writing. He told me I was inspiring. That he could see authenticity, that he could see reality, in my words. Humbled and overcome with joy and elation at his praise, I shared a little something, �Kevin,� I said, �I am in GREAT need of a message today. I spent a lot of time panicking about transitions yesterday, and I could use some guidance. I hope it�s a good one.� He joked about my lightly exerted pressure, and we proceeded into the big room.

The message was perfect. Always in need of a plan, I forget that sometimes, it is our plans that hold us back. I have been concerned about people I can�t communicate effectively with, situations that are slightly different now that so many people in my life have peeked inside my mind. Kevin said, �Anything created with less than authenticity will be destroyed.� The message was that destruction ends in new life. How many times have I experienced this in the �shifting of my tripod�? How many times has my life suffered from great destruction � the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the loss of a friend or lover, with more than two happening at the same time � just to end up with more love and success than I ever could have imagined? Three times. If you�re curious.

This is why I chose to have the phoenix tattooed on my body. Birth. Death. Rebirth. Growth, transition, change. After church, my father shared with me a few Emerson quotes (we should all know by now that Emerson is my favorite thinker), and I will leave you with them:

�The way to speak and write what shall not go out of fashion is to speak and write sincerely. � He that writes to himself writes to an eternal public." It is no coincidence that I once had a rat named Ralph.

-Barbarella

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