ďAdversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.Ē Ė Horace
And another appropriate quote for me right now, ďThe fastest way to succeed is to look as if youíre playing by somebody elseís rules, while quietly playing by your own.Ē Ė Michael Konda, at least thatís how I think you spell his name. Donít quote me on it. Iím having an interesting time adapting to my new schedule, and by ďinteresting,Ē I mean somewhere between quietly pensive and hysterically histrionic. I always had a dramatic flare about me, though Iíve typically tried to suppress it in the past for fear of appearing melodramatic.
M.s. has been a rock in the ocean I am flailing about in like a cat dropped in a tub full of water. He understands, he lives his dream, and he is quite successful at it. I do well with a schedule. As demanding and controlling as I am, itís always been so much easier in life to simply follow the rules that are set forth by one boss or another. To be given projects. To have measurable tasks, things to check off the list, people to please, accolades to receive. Like school. Every ďAĒ I received was further proof of my success, my worth. How good I am depends on how good others say I am in comparison to everyone else, right? Wrong. How good I am in intrinsic, and fuck if itís just so simple that itís nearly impossible for me to grasp right now.
I AM GOOD. Iím good at anything I do, Iíve written the equivalent of 5 novels and there are words gathering en masse preparing to run full force with a battering ram to escape the gates in my mind that hold them captive. So what? Who cares? We all have things we wish to share. We all think we can tell the story. I wonderÖ what if Iím not as good as I think I am? As I know I am? Ah, but we come upon some contradictions in my psyche. I KNOW I have what it takes to succeed at whatever it is I decide to do. Hence my track record of various positions, from corporate trainer, to headhunter, to paralegal. Nothing is out of my realm, because I am willing to learn and eager to prove myself. To myself. Now, the only person I have to answer to IS myself. I am my harshest critic. Itís been an interesting ride (interesting as defined above), and Iím curious to see where life takes me next.
I just need to learn that I canít control it. Today I had lunch with my father in Ocean Beach. Chinese. At the end of the meal, I cracked open my fortune cookie to find these words, ďLook around; happiness is trying to catch you.Ē I should stop making it so difficult to be caught and simply surrender to my fate, because I truly believe it is my destiny to live a life of joy and discovery. Now piss off (meant in the most endearing, British way possible), I have some writing to do.