This is AMAZING. I'm reading back through all of my diaries to extract quotes and details of my life for stories that will translate into scenes of my movie.

I have been so depressed and hopeless in the relationship department. In 1999 I wrote, "I'm more likely to play it safe, never getting to see the possible wonders that await me at the other end of the bridge because I am afraid it will snap under my weight on the way, leaving me to fall into the cold, lonely water beneath it, just to discover that I cannot swim."

I had moments of clarity and breakthrough, like "I realized today that I am obsessed with (blank). God, it just sounds so bad, that word 'obsessed.' But that must be it. I allow his actions to dictate how I feel. And that's not a good thing."

This reliving of my life through rereading my thoughts may just become the most amazing self-analytical and growth adventure I have ever embarked upon. I didn't remember stealing a name from our employee database to ask a guy out. I didn't remember the details of so many crazy situations I got myself into. I didn't remember I was writing my own diary the same way I would write a novel, but it sure does read like one.

I'm reliving emotion, re-experiencing loss and despair, remembering how jaded and doubtful I was of everyone around me. How I schemed to make a few people miserable, how I hid my feelings at every turn.

This is amazing. I'm rediscovering my SELF. What I never realized was that when I talked to my diary, I was talking to me. Now, reading it, I'm listening to me. I don't like everything I hear, I'm impressed by other things I hear, but overall, simply listening in this way is the best gift I could have ever given to myself.

-Barbarella

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