I must be creating some kind of pattern here. My abused and confused old temp has been replaced with an 70-something (I was wrong thinking 50 yesterday) black man with silver and black jerry curls, a gold hoop in one ear, the inability to enunciate, and the same annoying tendency to stand by my desk and �talk� to me, while I�m trying to work. Argh!

Have I been cursed in some way? I don�t want to be mean, I want to be a kind person, generally. I want to see him as an old man who has no companion, a man who lives for some kind of human interaction; a lonely man, a tired old man who could use a smile. That works for a second. But then he comes over, stands by me, and slurs out nonsensical stories about how my boss called him to come here and be our security guard for the week, and here he is, and all I�m thinking is, �and there you STILL are, by my desk, go away, be gone, be gone.�

I don�t want to be mean. I want to be loving, and generous and filled with compassion. That�ll work for another second. I�m on the verge of saying, �Listen, sir, I may be crazy, but don�t you think you�d serve your purpose more if you were standing out front, I don�t know, as a DETERRENT? Guy in a uniform? From far away, it might make strange men in white vans turn back around. More than walking around in here, chatting with us, just waiting for someone to bum-rush the friggin� door?� Just a thought. Just a fantasy that keeps running through my head, especially now, as he walks back up to my desk. I�m not even concerned about him seeing this, his eyes have the tell-tale pale-blue signature of cataracts.

Okay, enough of being a bitch. See, now I feel guilty for my inhuman and unloving thoughts. But sometimes, I just think, fuck love. Fuck love, because it does not serve my selfish purpose right now, my want, my need, for indignation. It�s a good thing I�m going to meditation tonight. I could really use some reflection on how I got to be so detached all of the sudden from my fellow humans.

I want to be Mother Teresa. But right now, I�m acting more like Madonna.

-Barbarella

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