Last night I was filled with a loathing and anxiety about coming into work today. I just didn’t want to. I was angry at the thought of walking in here, of doing the things I need to do, dealing with the people I need to deal with. Now that I’m here, I’m fine. But isn’t that odd? That I could get so emotionally tense over something so simple and routine, so “given”? Maybe that was it, the fact that I felt that I hated it so much and there’s just no way around it. New car, new bills, knowing that I couldn’t just leave if I wanted to. It wouldn’t be the responsible thing. And that angered me, I felt trapped. It took a lot of mind coercing to motivate myself out of bed this morning. But I believe I am convinced enough at this point to get through it. It took telling myself that this is my choice, that I am choosing responsibility and choosing to work hard for my own sense of accomplishments and fuck the little things, like people, that annoy me, because I will succeed despite them, that got me here today.

Okay, are we done with that? I had a nice, relaxing weekend. Needed it. Friday night, hung with my sister and a friend of hers. Saturday was perfect. Woke up early, felt rested, got my nails done, ran some errands, had lunch with my sister. Then, napped for a few hours (why was I so exhausted?) and met up with some friends at Hamburger Mary’s, a Hillcrest hotspot. A few drinks and a stiff buzz later, I broke away with S to get ready for our evening. It was lovely, hanging out with her from early to late evening, to wee early hours of morning. It’s been a long time since we’ve had that one-on-one with each other. We hung for a while, then headed downtown for the last shebang at the wine bar. That’s it, the wine bar is finished, kaput, done. And everyone flocked down there to suck up the last few drops of another phase passing by.

It was fun. I was in a weird head-space for a bit there, though, that kinda sucked. You ever get to a party and just become that pensive wallflower? When it’s so unlike you? Well, it’s unlike me, that’s for sure. But there I was, staring off into space, lost in thoughtless thought, traveling blindly through the dark, dank world of what ifs. S snapped me out of it. I’m so happy she was there. So, back to seeing the faces of people I loved, of people I don’t love, all around me, celebrating the same thing: life and friends and drink and merriment. Blasted sangria, made with champagne instead of wine. Had a bitch of a hangover the next day. Got pulled into a corner by a cute little player, had me trapped and said, “Have I told you tonight that I love you?” I said, “No, but keep it up, that’s the kind of thing I love to hear,” and escaped back to the festivities.

I saw A.I. last night. Interesting, mix between Spielberg and Kubrick. So it ends up being this poignant and emotional/moral conundrum, but spiked with freaky bone-chilling moments. Like I said, interesting. Worth the watch. About three quarters of the way through it, when the movie takes a sudden and random turn, I remember turning to my sister in the dark and saying, “what the fuck?” which left us laughing through the next few minutes and unfortunately, probably annoying those around us. They’ll live. That kid is an amazing actor. And Jude Law is, well, Jude Law is masturbation material. The man is perfect, and to imagine him as a flawless lover robot, well, it’s just, it’s fucking mind blowing.

Alright, so here I am, on with the day, going to get through it with a smile on my face if it kills me. I can do this, right? Tell me I can do this. Sometimes, I just need to hear it.

-Barbarella

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