I swear to god, the water I used for my tea this morning is hotter than it�s EVER been! Sip with caution, my dear mouth� sip with caution. Ouch! Why don�t I ever listen to myself? Anyway, there are just a few little things on my mind this morning that I need to purge before diving into my day, and I may come back at you later. I�ll begin with the bit of drama, so as to end on a happy note (because I AM happy)� We�ll segue with a very poignant quote:

�The pure and simple truth is rarely pure, and never simple.� � Oscar Wilde

I�m wishing someone would die. I have my reasons, and my rationale, and I�ve pretty much surmised that the world and everyone in it, INCLUDING said person, would be more peaceful if she would just go ahead and stop breathing. And then I think - God, Barb, how HORRIBLE of you!!! It�s just not appropriate, it�s not loving, it�s not MORAL. So? According to whom?

My grandfather is here. His wife is back east, now with pneumonia. He had to sign and FAX a DNR form. Do you know what that is? Do Not Resuscitate. I wonder how soon she�ll die. She�s been dying dramatically from one thing or another for as long as I can remember, like the girl who cried �terminally ill!!!� Yet for all of her diseases, cancers, and miserable existence, it�s been joked that the crone will outlive us all. You think I�m mean, don�t you. You think it�s cruel to speak of the elderly and sick in such a fashion. I don�t answer my phone when the screen reads �MOM� because I�m afraid of what I�ll say to my very legitimately upset mother.

I�m afraid of letting my truths slip out. It�s so much easier not to deal. When my sister asked me, �Will you go back for the funeral?� my quick and sure-stated �No.� surprised us both. �It�s just, there�s nothing bringing me back there. I have no respects to pay for her, why should her death change my feelings?� We left it at that. I�ll be calling my mother today; just because I could give two shits about her mother, doesn�t mean I don�t care the world for mine . She may lash out at me, but there�s no way in the world I could ever grasp what she�s going through right now, and that I respect enough to maintain my cool.

So, done with the drama, now onto my other random thoughts. My weekend was lovely and relaxing. I spent most of my time with Ms, as is my norm of late. I saw a few movies, played with Ms, dined & brunched with Ollie, and finished the weekend with a BANG! at Shakespeare�s Pub. That�s right, Quiz night! Last Sunday of every month, and we did fantabulous! Blove, Mr. Ababwa, Ms, and more! AND, my Dad came! It was wonderful to sit with friends and my father, eat some tasty food, play some interesting trivia, and laugh. I was in such a great mood, my face was stuck in a perma-smile.

Tomorrow is New Year�s Eve, and I have no idea what I�m doing. There are three things going on that seem plausible, and I have an idea of what I may wear, but no set plans, and that�s tough for me. I�ll figure it out, I know. I want to be around friends, I want to kiss my lover at midnight and then make my way around a room exchanging hugs with good friends and smiles with strangers. I�ve already set up my 2003 desk calendar, and January looks interesting, as days are already filled with events and birthdays.

As I smile at my life, as I revel in the love and happiness and wonderful people around me, as I bask in the glory of loving who I am, where I am, what I am doing, and who I am doing it with, in the back of my mind, ever so faint, a voice is asking one question about this calendar � �Which day will you be jotting down it's funeral?� I disregard the question as a louder, stronger voice reminds me that I do not care.

-Barbarella

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