My goodness, another week flew by and I hardly noticed. At least I�m enjoying the ride, yes? Yes. I was in an all-day meeting yesterday, learning about accounting terminology. I now know what the most boring fucking subject is in the world. Didja guess yet? Very good, you�re right! It IS accounting terminology! My God, I was sucking down caffeine like a beatnik at a poetry reading and I STILL kept dozing, to the point where it must have been painfully obvious to the trainer, who is a woman I adore and respect. Whoops.

I got through it unscathed, she must have sympathized with me in order to let that one slide (by �that one�, I�m referring to the moment my hand slipped from beneath my chin and I did one of those wake-up-and-catch-yourself-from-falling-in-your-dream maneuvers). Somehow, these people still consider me their professional peer. And despite my abilities to demonstrate my professional aptitude, I�m still surprised that people see me that way. I mean, I look at my life, I look at my thoughts, my activities -- quite frankly, my very liberal lifestyle -- and the last thing I see there is a corporate woman. Though I must admit, I feel like I�m playing my own little joke on the world, operating in so many capacities, an experienced chameleon. There are executives in this company (and others I�ve worked at), managers of managers of managers, who look to me for ideas and advice on more than one issue. I must admit, it feels damn good. Maybe I�m that much more impressed by my ability to draw them in and hold them captive with my presence because I�m so much younger than any of them. Maybe I�m impressed and flattered with their reaction to me because in my own reality, I don�t take any of this seriously, especially myself.

I mean, look at me. I am at work right now. I have 3 deals about to close and I truly feel that I had hardly anything to do with it. But everywhere I turn, people are cheering me on, congratulating me for all of my �efforts�, giving me accolades at every turn. I feel like that kid in school who never studied, but still got A�s. Sometimes, I feel guilty about it. Other times? I feel incredibly grateful that things tend to go so smoothly for me. I think it has a lot to do with my perspective, though. Things go smoothly all the time� because when they don�t, I shrug it off. Rough times don�t last in my life because I don�t cling to them. That leaves me free, floating, and in the eyes of those around me, I am without strife.

The way I view my life and my limited, though effective, control over how people see me, how I can switch things on or off, adjust my mood, my thinking, reminds me of a quote I like by William Blake: �Without contraries is no progression. Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence.� I would like to adjust this quote for my purposes. I don�t just �exist�, I�m not just surviving. I�m LIVING. Those things are part of living, truly living. Too often people don�t allow what they consider to be bad into their lives for fear that they will not live healthy and happy days. What they do not realize, is that you cannot remove one without the other. I love to love. I love to hate, thought I don�t give that emotion much energy. I love to be angry, I love to be grateful, I love conflict, I love resolutions. I just love to LIVE. So, as I adjust, as I try on different hats in the world, as I dance from one extreme to the other, twirling and laughing, as I drift back and forth between them� I realize that for me, to live is to taste it all, touch it all, be it all.

I wouldn�t have it any other way.

-Barbarella

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