Didn't get to my computer this morning, I was in a Human Resources training all day, learning about all the inappropriate things I do. I walked in and said, "is greeting your coworkers in the morning with a slap on the ass considered inappropriate?" It was actually a pretty fun training. But on to the juicy stuff...

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Hmmm. Okay, first let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am NEUROTIC about planning, about having plans, about knowing what's next, what I'm going to be doing, or at least having some semblance of a shell of an itinerary. Okay, having said that, I had plans to go up to LA this weekend with the girls, and a thousand things have happened that have made that trip impossible.

Okay, maybe not a *thousand*, but you get my drift. First, Pixie said she couldn't make it because she has work stuff to do this weekend. Totally understandable, and we applauded her strong sense of responsibility. So it was me, Pony, and Kitty left. Then, Kitty ALMOST dropped out to go camping with rock-a-billy boy, but quickly changed her mind, so that was like more of a close call.

But the horrific thing happened last night. I just found out about it. Pony was out with her man, having fun, partying it up. They arrived back at his place to find flashing lights and firemen hosing down the last little flame of what was left of his house. DEVASTATING. I can't imagine. They think they might have left a candle burning, something my father is always warning me about - "Unplug everything, Barb, where do you put those incense, never leave candles burning!" Again, I can't imagine. So, understandably, she is going to stay here with him this weekend, or at least through Saturday, being supportive and helping out where she can.

And here I am. Selfish bitch, and the first thing I thought when I heard all of this was, "How does that affect my plan?" After which I immediately thought, "Barb you self-centered cunt, he LOST HIS HOUSE!" But then I thought, it wasn't like I was mad or upset for myself because of that, I felt sympathetic and totally understood that Pony would want to stay with him. I just *also* wondered what I'D do in light of this situation. I took tomorrow off of work. I don't want to go in, but if I'm in town, I can't imagine not going in, I mean, I've got shit to do there and I couldn't justify staying home and sitting on my ass when I could be there, getting it done.

Can you tell that I'm still trying to figure this out? A friend of mine is having a party in LA on Saturday night, I could stop by that, but I wouldn't want to make an evening, let alone a weekend, about that group of people. They're cool to hang with, and I want to catch up, but if I go up there, what I really want to do is go out, and this will also sound horrible, but I'd rather party up there at a club alone and meet who I meet than babysit this crowd. They're nice people, good people, but socially... Let's put it this way, you know you have that friend you can take to any party, and whether they know anyone or not, they can do their own thing, mingle, have a good time, etc. Then, you have that other friend, who you may love to hang out with, but when you take THAT person to a party, they stick to your side like glue and you're constantly wondering if they're having a good time or not, and when they're eventually going to drag you away from YOUR good time.

God, rereading this, even I see how selfish I am. But at least I acknowledge it, though I'm not working too hard to change anything about it right now. So, then I call my ex-fuck-buddy, fun guy, actor, FUN guy, and he may be going to San Francisco, but is on the fence about it. Now, I could go up there and hang with him, but I'm thinking that I don't want to impose, staying there, wanting to go out and dragging him along, etc. Hmm. I don't know. I know that I don't want to go to work tomorrow, and I know that I've been looking forward to getting out of town for a few days. At this point, I'd go anywhere. But, I don't want to up and go somewhere unless I have an idea of what I'd be doing, who'd I be seeing, and where I'd be staying.

If my ex is in town, I could probably get some hmm-hmm-hey-hey, if you know what I mean. That's always a nice incentive to drive a few hours. And I do have this new car, so I wouldn't be stressing about the drive. It could actually be therapeutic, in a way. Fuck, maybe THERAPY would be therapeutic, and I could get over this anxiety about not having plans. Sigh. I will play this one by ear. There, I said it. By ear! Did you hear that!? I will fly by the fucking seat of my pants! For a moment.

Tonight, I will go dancing, see some friends I haven't seen in TOO long, and smile and laugh and have some fun. And THEN I'll try to figure shit out. Looks like I won't be sleeping tonight, with all this brain power going on. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. God, I can see it now, I'll drive up to LA and kick it at a coffee shop until the clubs open. This is Barbarella at her most desperate, I want to go and I want to have my trip, and even if I envision it sucking, this impulse that I MUST go is overwhelming.

Alright. Relax. Dance. Think. Go.

I'll let you know what happens. Wish me luck!

-Barbarella

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