Today was the day of the wake. We were all very emotional from the time we woke up. I finished my makeup, sat at the table, fussing and fidgeting in my clothes, uncomfortable in every way, and finally, just broke into tears. What a way to start the day!

Walking into the funeral home was the most difficult part. Collages of Jeffrey all over the place, poems written for him, articles with pictures from the paper blown up and framed from various times he's risked his life to save people from burning buildings. An article about the time he donated bone marrow (a very painful process) to a person he didn't even know, everything highlighting just what an all around great fucking guy he was.

Then Mayor Giuliani showed up. A few months ago, if you had asked me which celebrity I'd most like to meet, I would have said someone like "Madonna". Interesting how perceptions can change so drastically. Since everything happened, since the 11th of September, my hero has been Giuliani. The way he spoke and held the city together, the way he truly cared for every individual, the way he has shown up for every family since the tragedy. He walked right up to us, right where my family and I were standing at the empty coffin with the traditional fireman shield engraved on the top, where my cousin's helmet rested on the coffin.

He hugged my aunt and uncle and told them to their faces with tears in his eyes how proud he was of Jeffrey. How much he appreciated them for their strength and love. He hugged Denise, Jeffrey's widow and said the same. He met all the children, he shaked all of our hands. And then he made his way to the center and asked to say a few words. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I do remember how I felt as he spoke. I felt full of pride, I felt our collective loss, and every face reflected what I felt with heads held high and running eyes all around.

Amazing. Then, the fire commissioner came. He didn't speak, but he knelt at the coffin and paid his respects and spoke with the family. Freakin' emotional. We were there from 2-4, then headed out to Denise's house for food, then back to the home from 7-10. The place was packed, there was a line out the door of people who wanted to say "goodbye" to Jeffrey. At the end of the evening, the floor was opened for people to share memories or say a word or two about Jeffrey. Dozens of people got up, and every little speech, no matter how they phrased it, had the same basic common demonators:

Jeff was fucking funny. And Jeff LOVED his family. Firemen got up one after the other and said that Jeff was their hero, he was the reason they came to work with such enthusiasm, because he was always full of energy, always joking, and always making everyone laugh HARD. He's THAT guy. He's the life of the party, the LIFE in life. That was amazing to see. All of these people turned to us and thanked the family for creating such a wonderful guy, for being the environment that made him who he was.

I've been crying all day and the funeral is tomorrow. Driving home with my sisters, I said, "One thing that's been creeping up in the back of my mind all day is that if losing Jeffrey is this hard, I cannot imagine losing one of you." They agreed, and we had a cry about it. To even let myself think about a loss that great is too much to handle emotionally. I don't know what I'd do, honestly. That's how Neil, Jane, John, Cindy, and Mary are feeling right now. THAT pain. The six of them are as close as the four of us. I've never even allowed myself to think about that possibility and they're experiencing it now.

I love my family. Thank you, Jeffrey for pointing that out to me yet again.

-Barbarella

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