�The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future.� � Oscar Wilde

It�s New Year�s Eve. You know, there was a period of time while I was living in L.A. when people would challenge me to gather the masses last minute. I�d get a call at work on Friday morning, around 10:00 a.m. She would say, �Listen, Barbarella, I want to have a party tonight, a HUGE party, with all the right people, and I want to throw it at Matt�s place, because mine is too small.� I always pulled it off. Two hours on the phone after work, and before you could say �Where it�s at!� there were 50 people at Matt�s, and he was FINE with it. Friends would come to visit, and I�d have NO idea how to entertain them, what to do, etc. But at the last minute, I always found just the right clubs and parties to bring them to, just the perfect exciting people to accompany us for a good time, and it always worked out. Sometimes I miss that. I miss arranging and organizing and being at the center of it all. We all know I�m an attention whore.

But I remember also, as I would gather the masses, pull together events, sell everyone on the potential fun of it all to raise the initial excitement level (a must-have for the start of any party), how I used to wish I could just be one of those people to show up at the party; I wished I could come and go and not be noticed and have nothing to do with the planning of it all. The grass is always greener. I�ve been enjoying the stress-free position of one who is in mere attendance at a party, whereas I used to get off on the pressure and stress and importance of being the girl responsible for ALL of the fun. This is peaceful, this is mellow� so why do I feel like relapsing?

I want to PARTY tonight. If you know me, you know what that entails. Dressing up a LOT, seeing a LOT of people, and getting inebriated in creative ways (read: not your typical champagne). I want to do bad things. But why? Because it�s the perfect reason? What better reason to party your ass off for days than the welcoming of a new year? Is that just what I�m used to? Do I really want to party my ass off, or do I feel like I have to, because that�s just what we do on New Year�s Eve? These are questions I haven�t asked myself in a long time. I still am not sure what I�m doing. But I have this comfortable knowledge that I�ll figure it out before crunch time, and that whatever I do, I�ll have a blast� I always do. But another thing I always do is speculate � what will my fun time include? If I�m offered certain types of parties, will I take them? Because I feel like it? Or because I couldn�t imagine myself refusing and passing up the opportunity? These are some of the things that will be running through my mind this evening.

Here are some of the other things:

Every year is better than the last for me. Every year I have learned more about myself and all of the people around me. Do I have New Year�s Resolutions? No. Why? Because I believe that if there�s something about my life that I need to change, something I WANT to change, then no event is going to make a difference, no date is going to effect my decision. If you�re waiting for the right day to stop a habit or be a better person, why bother at all? Meaning, I haven�t smoked in eleven days. Is it my New Year�s Resolution to �quit?� No. I stopped because I felt like it, because I want health, and I didn�t wait and keep smoking these last few weeks of December to make it an official New Year thing. Are you following me? Might I smoke tonight if I feel like it? Yes. I�ve had a full pack in my car this whole time. I like having the option, and not feeling bad or guilty regardless of my decisions. Though having said that, I�d like to make decisions that are implemental to my learning and living. But I digress�

Every year I love more. Every year I can accept those around me with less questioning, with less speculation, with less judging. Every year, I WANT to be a better me, even when I�m swimming in my murky worst, even if I�m enjoying the bad. Every year, I judge myself less. Every year I question my values and rearrange my priorities.

Now, go back a few paragraphs and replace Every �year� you see with the word �day.� Every year means nothing. We live day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Every year, I want to live even more in the NOW, appreciating, feeling, loving, SEEING, understanding. I love my life. I love my life .

Happy New Now!

-Barbarella

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