Iím surprised at how well I slept, how comfortable I was in bed every time I came close to consciousness. I remember a few dreams, all pleasant and ethereal, bright colors and soft focus on kind faces. A woman giving me coffee in the 1950's, sharing with me how one lived without all of the technology and convenience that Iím used to. We laughed. My red streaks shocked her, but she accepted it. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face.
So Iíve gone to my first class. A diverse group of people, a handful of characters, a teacher I respect already. Upon receiving the syllabus and reviewing everything that must be done in the next five weeks, I became overwhelmed. Stress creeped up on me, sat heavy on my chest, taunted me with negativity: ďItís impossible, Barb, leave now! Youíll never get this done, you canít do this. What if you DO get it done? What then?Ē Fears, of failure, of success.
After I got home and had a good, stressed-out cry, I realized that I was emotional because I was tired, going on little sleep -- itís been a tough week, and Iím nervous about this silly surgery tomorrow. Fear of pain in my mouth. Dad was so wonderful, seeing my stress, he offered to help me research things for school, help with homework, anything he could. He told me he is proud of me. That feels SO good. Yes, it is a lot of work to do. But I WANT this, Iím PAYING for this, and if I donít challenge myself, my mind might as well atrophy. As soon as I set a pace, get through this week and figure out just how much time is involved in this workload, I will balance out again.
Remember all those stories of my tripod? The shifting, the falling, the picking up the pieces and getting back up again, only a little taller and stronger? Itís been over a year since I had some serious shifting. So, Iím shaking the tripod myself, thereby triggering transition. How else do we learn about ourselves and grow closer to our potential if not to struggle and learn and overcome our fears and obstacles?
Today is Pixieís birthday. Tomorrow is Dloveís birthday. Iíll miss out on celebrating, because Iíll be recovering and studying, but I wish you both a fabulous time, which Iím sure isnít even necessary, knowing MY friends. Fabulous times just HAPPEN.
Have a great weekend, Iíll see you on the other side, after these nasty, cavity-infested wisdom teeth are yanked out of my skull. Hoo, boy.