So, we�re the bad guys . I never thought that my country could be looked at in such a way. I never thought that our leader wouldn�t be the epitome of the world�s leader . All the nations do not agree. Does that make US wrong? Probably. When men like Gorbechev, whom I respect deeply, the same man who tours the world to promote solar power and peace, a man I met once at such a convention, speaks out� well, this is what Drudge reported that he said: ''The move defies the existence of the United Nations and international laws. The U.S. stance...means it regards other nations as subject countries or states.'' U.S. President George W. Bush's policy ''is far from real world leadership,'' Gorbachev said.

We may be WRONG .

How surreal this seems to me. We are a nation at war, and my lifestyle hasn�t changed a bit. I don�t fear for my life, I don�t feel passionate about �winning� or �losing�. I feel� numb, distant, and occasionally, if I give myself a moment to think about people abroad, I feel a deep sadness, enveloped in the sensation of helplessness. My writing yesterday wasn�t an attack on people against the war, it wasn�t a pro-war rant either. It was venting out the anger I suddenly felt over how ignorant I am, how accepting I am of headlines, and what other people say, how confused, undecided, torn, frustrated, and annoyed I am by all of it. Indignant, upset, and have I said angry? Anger that doesn�t know where to direct itself. I hear other people�s words in my voice.

Is everything I say regurgitated? Where are my original thoughts? I don�t want to be convinced of anything. I want to know all the facts and make my own informed decision. But here�s the catch� I give up before knowing all the facts. Just like I�m about to right now�

I don�t want to write about it anymore, I don�t want to watch the news. The news lies. I�m almost finished reading a book written by a woman who lived in Afghanistan, about a woman who grew up in war, fleeing from border to border, fleeing with children, losing family along the way� those words, I believe. Those words puncture the bubble I�ve been living in. Not the news, not the war, not the politicians or the protestors or people who have more opinion than they do information� just one woman�s words, articulated through another woman.

I never did put my face on the warm concrete yesterday� it does matter to me what people think. Which is why I�ve been thinking about a place where I could do this, feel this� a place with no one around to see, let alone think anything.

-Barbarella

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