Stories My Blog Photos Links About me

2004-01-22

Trying not to Scream

I�m having a difficult time controlling my anger this morning. Little things are setting me off, and I can�t help but slam and bang things in my frustration. Alright, perhaps I could help it if I REALLY tried, but my interest to try is very low at this point.

Sometimes, you just can�t win. These last few days have been great for my mood. The other day, I felt fabulous, and I elicited compliments from just about everyone I encountered. From the girl at the bagel shop, to coworkers, to a girl in a grocery store, to classmates, I was ON, and they could feel the buzz in the air around them, created by my electricity. Yesterday, I got my crown put in, and it was the first time in the last two years that I did not succumb to an anxiety attack in the dental chair. Two weeks ago, I was crying and quivering like beaten puppy... uncontrollably. It�s just not good for my image, you know?

But yesterday morning, after my right hand stopped shaking violently, I was actually able to relax (as much as you can in a dentist�s office), and there were no tears nor were there any episodes of hyperventilation. Whew! Last night I shared a wonderful meal with my father and a good friend of ours who is in town for a few days. Conversation was spirited and energetic, the wine was delicious. It was nice to hang out with Dad for a bit and get some laundry done. I miss my girls. I am constantly dealing with guilt for not spending more time with them. But not just guilt. I miss my cats, and I never feel like I can simply be at home . I�m going to have to figure that one out. My bedroom at my dad�s is the only place I feel is MINE. My space, my things, my girls, my books, my clothes, my everything. My journals. All of them. Me. I�m there, in that, among each thing, each memory. Packed in with the boxes stored in all of the closets. Somewhere in there, I officially reside.

I�m feeling pensive. Pondering My Self is something I always seem compelled to do before a certain time of the month. Like I want to write in my personal journal and figure things out. I have these escapist tendencies, and simple things frustrate me to the point of just not wanting to deal. But I will. I do. And I�ll get my time to me, I promise.

In the meantime, I look forward to our Kensington opening tonight at the gallery. I look forward to seeing some old friends and some new friends, among the population of pleasant Kensingtonians. I�m wearing red. A color of power and vibrance. On the backseat of my car is my long black riding crop, lying across a white piece of paper with two perfect red lip prints from a recent blot of my lips. I like the way it looks there, like a secret of something to come, the erotic answer to the bouncing-head Chihuahua.

If I can get through today without snapping at another person who attempts to burden me with unnecessary bullshit, it will be a good day after all. Or, perhaps, I can go get that crop from the backseat of my car and whip some sense into these morons. Ooh, the day I decide I never need to worry about a steady job, the things I will get away with.

So fuck off. I�m going for a little walk to get some Chinese food. It IS the Chinese New Year today, after all, and this Dragon needs to pay her respects to the Monkey.

-Barbarella

previous | next

2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
Mizz Asshole

Copyright � 2004 divabarbarella.com All Rights Reserved about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!


San Diego Bloggers

Subscribe to BarbarellasBookClub
Powered by groups.yahoo.com
Trying not to Scream 2004-01-22 11:06 a.m. I�m having a difficult time controlling my anger this morning. Little things are setting me off, and I can�t help but slam and bang things in my frustration. Alright, perhaps I could help it if I REALLY tried, but my interest to try is very low at this point.

Sometimes, you just can�t win. These last few days have been great for my mood. The other day, I felt fabulous, and I elicited compliments from just about everyone I encountered. From the girl at the bagel shop, to coworkers, to a girl in a grocery store, to classmates, I was ON, and they could feel the buzz in the air around them, created by my electricity. Yesterday, I got my crown put in, and it was the first time in the last two years that I did not succumb to an anxiety attack in the dental chair. Two weeks ago, I was crying and quivering like beaten puppy... uncontrollably. It�s just not good for my image, you know?

But yesterday morning, after my right hand stopped shaking violently, I was actually able to relax (as much as you can in a dentist�s office), and there were no tears nor were there any episodes of hyperventilation. Whew! Last night I shared a wonderful meal with my father and a good friend of ours who is in town for a few days. Conversation was spirited and energetic, the wine was delicious. It was nice to hang out with Dad for a bit and get some laundry done. I miss my girls. I am constantly dealing with guilt for not spending more time with them. But not just guilt. I miss my cats, and I never feel like I can simply be at home . I�m going to have to figure that one out. My bedroom at my dad�s is the only place I feel is MINE. My space, my things, my girls, my books, my clothes, my everything. My journals. All of them. Me. I�m there, in that, among each thing, each memory. Packed in with the boxes stored in all of the closets. Somewhere in there, I officially reside.

I�m feeling pensive. Pondering My Self is something I always seem compelled to do before a certain time of the month. Like I want to write in my personal journal and figure things out. I have these escapist tendencies, and simple things frustrate me to the point of just not wanting to deal. But I will. I do. And I�ll get my time to me, I promise.

In the meantime, I look forward to our Kensington opening tonight at the gallery. I look forward to seeing some old friends and some new friends, among the population of pleasant Kensingtonians. I�m wearing red. A color of power and vibrance. On the backseat of my car is my long black riding crop, lying across a white piece of paper with two perfect red lip prints from a recent blot of my lips. I like the way it looks there, like a secret of something to come, the erotic answer to the bouncing-head Chihuahua.

If I can get through today without snapping at another person who attempts to burden me with unnecessary bullshit, it will be a good day after all. Or, perhaps, I can go get that crop from the backseat of my car and whip some sense into these morons. Ooh, the day I decide I never need to worry about a steady job, the things I will get away with.

So fuck off. I�m going for a little walk to get some Chinese food. It IS the Chinese New Year today, after all, and this Dragon needs to pay her respects to the Monkey.