It took getting into work this morning to realize just how little I got accomplished last week. Yes, I had good excuses, but nonetheless, I didn�t get shit done. Nada, nothing, zilch. And now, I�m facing the repercussions of a lazy week. I forgot about all the Monday reports, all the things I�m accountable for today. It was so easy to let it go last week, with the drama, with no one here. So, back to the old drawing board. I got more accomplished the first 3 hours I was here today than in all of last week. Go figure. But I know myself, and I know I�ll make up for it. That belief is why I�m successful.

Personal update, church was good yesterday. I know, I know, Church? What the hell is a sinner-whore like Barb going to church for? Well, it�s not your ordinary church. It�s Religious Science, the kind that incorporates all theological thought and philosophy throughout time and distance. There are always different speakers, from different religious backgrounds, and weekly meditations, among other things. I think it�s great. I�m a recovering Catholic (going to Irish-Catholic school on the east coast might explain some of my, um, I don�t know �rebellion� when I was in my teens).

Anyway, enough explanation, the speaker this week was amazing, he said that we are people who have been taught to believe in disease: I�m an adult-child of an alcoholic, I�m codependent, I�m clinically depressed, issue after issue after issue. He said that we identify ourselves through our perceived illnesses, and that that�s not going to solve anything. Actually, it makes things worse. I�m still thinking about the things he said. My Frenchman is not coming to visit for the holidays, as he intended. He�s not coming because he is suffering from depression and anxiety again.

I�ve mentioned this guy before, Mr. Romantic Interlude, always wonderfully stimulating when visiting, but in day-to-day reality, he is perpetually depressed. And now, though he lives alone in a small town with no close friends or relatives, he is giving up a trip to visit a place that is filled with people who make him happy, because he is unhappy. Talk about keeping yourself down. I just don�t get it. I understand that there is something chemical going on in some people that just cannot get to that �happy� state. But with no natural fluctuation? I find it difficult to believe that a pill can actually change someone�s perspective on life. I think that comes from a place on the opposite side of the physical spectrum. Where flesh of brain and body meet the electrodes of the true energy of life.

I believe that the control of all these symptoms and diseases lies within that energy. While the guest soloist was singing at church, I turned to my father, who was sitting on my left, and said, �My nose is itchy. I think I have a cat hair in there or something.� He looked at me, and with a straight face said, �It�s better than having shit on your face.�

Yes, Dad. Good point. It IS better than having �shit on my face.� And there it was. A different perspective. And it didn�t come in the form of a pill, or an herb, it came in the form of words. Simple and direct. My father often does this to me. Once, I was complaining about a tough day at work, that was followed up with drama regarding friends, and I was tapped out, tired, upset.

He listened intently, sympathetically. I truly felt that he understood where I was coming from. Then I asked him how his day went. He told me about an 8 year old he met that day, with leukemia, who was just nominated for the Make a Wish Foundation (my father�s the guy who meets the kids and finds out what their wishes are so that he can present it to the Board, and when they give the go-ahead, he ensures that everything goes smoothly, in person � he does this voluntarily, outside of work).

He told me the boy could barely speak. Small, skinny, baseball cap covering his bald head, sitting in a wheelchair. Of all the wishes in the world that a little boy could have, this kid just wanted 15 minutes with his favorite director, Stephen Spielberg. My father, big-wig for a branch of military intelligence, was blinking rapidly so that the water that had pooled in his eyes didn�t spill over his face. �When things are going shitty for me, I think of how hard things are for the parents of that kid, and all the kids I see every week. And how simple most of these dying children�s requests are. And I think of how friggin� lucky I am to have 4 beautiful, healthy, and intelligent daughters. Now there�s something that really puts you in perspective, babe.�

And before I had the chance to feel guilty for my selfish feelings, he said, �But everything is relative. You have as much right to be upset about things in your life, even if in comparison, they don�t seem to be that dire of circumstances. They�re still valid, your feelings are valid. Just don�t ever lose perspective of how lucky you are, and how much you have to be grateful for.�

That was all the medicine I needed.

-Barbarella

previous | next