Alright, finally closed a *!^%$!! sale yesterday. About time! It was a tiny little thing, but it felt good all the same. My own little �fuck off!� to management. And more on the way! Tough spot to be in, that. Because if money starts rolling in like it used to, it�s going to be more difficult for me to kiss this place goodbye when I find something I actually want to be doing. People I actually want to work for. Oh, my trials and tribulations. I�m like Jesus. Such sacrifice! Okay, so martyrdom attacks at random. Ain�t no thing, baby, all�s gonna be just great! You�ll see!

I saw With a Friend Like Harry last night, French flick, very good. I recommend it, I do. I�m having an allergy attack right now. Goddamn HMO, won�t give you the shit you ask for the first time you ask for it. Generic allergy medication does NOT work. My eyes are so itchy I�m tempted to jab my fingers into them for the slightest distraction, diversion from this bitch of an itch, enough to drive you mad! And MAD. Argh.

Great, I just gave in and rubbed my eyes so hard and so long (God, it felt fucking good, though) that my eye makeup is all over my face and my eyes are so bloodshot it looks like I just ripped a dozen bong hits in a row. Hope no one walks into my office right now. I could give a child nightmares, wouldn�t want to freak out a coworker. Hey, maybe if my eyes get puffy as well as red, I can just go home. Wouldn�t THAT be nice. An afternoon with so many possibilities. Sigh, just to think about it is nice. I�m a little all over the place this morning, can you tell? Can�t keep my mind on track, can�t keep to one thought. It�s okay, I�m all right.

Been concerned about my outlook lately. Not in MY life, that�s actually been pretty good, I�m feeling positive about things, even work. Everything smooth sailing over here. EXCEPT, I find myself more irritable and less tolerant than I believe I used to be. People talking loud, too close, people who seem to operate on envy, people who seem to run on scraps of distorted validation, it just all makes me grimace. I�m really trying to let go of a lot of it. Most recently, I�ve been (okay, not most recently, most of my life) obsessed with time. If things aren�t running on schedule, I will actually have a pseudo-anxiety attack. It�s out of my hands, so I feel out of control. I never thought I was one of those control freaks. But a bit of me (okay, more than that) is definitely a control freak. But I�ll project to keep myself from seeing the root of the problem. It becomes �THEY are inconsiderate. THEY have no respect for MY time.� I know, annoying. But it drives me crazy.

My coworkers are late every morning. My boss is late just about every morning (on the days she bothers to show up). I don�t get that. I�m here early, every day. If I wasn�t, I�d develop a twitch in my itchy eye. I guess that�s just a part of me, and I�m not going to apologize for it, I think that time is something to be respected. However, having said that, I�m making every effort to be aware that my view of time IS, in fact, a bit extreme, and I need to take it down a notch, meaning don�t freak out, Barb, everything always works out the way it�s supposed to. Meaning, I will give up the role of Time Nazi and try out this �take a breath and go with the flow� sort of thing for a bit or until I can�t stand it anymore and buy all my friends watches that are secretly set somewhere between 17 and 25 minutes fast. Oh! There I go again, Bad Barb!

Okay, I�m okay. But it is true, I�ve developed this irritability streak that I never used to have. Maybe I�m finally completely done with pleasing people if it means that in order to please them I must compromise anything. But have I jumped to the other extreme? Am I intent on NOT pleasing anyone now? Now that I seem to not give a shit anymore, just want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it? Not answer to anyone, not care to hear input, other ideas? Makes you think, doesn�t it. When does being good to your "self" cross the border into being selfish? The fine line between not compromising and just stubborn unbending for no good reason but your own little whims? I want to be the happy medium, not the extreme. I don�t want to feel guilty about being selfish. About doing what I want, when I want. And I also don�t want to be filled with silent resentment when I give in and do things I don�t want to when I don�t want to.

As a result of this back and forth inner discourse, I�ve come to the conclusion that it�s just easiest to hate everyone. Then I won�t give a shit either way. Unfortunately, though, as irritable as I am, possessing only one atom of tolerance, the one I cling to, because it seems to be my last, I do give a shit, and I don�t hate everyone. I�d LIKE to, but I don�t. So, that option eliminated, back to working on my happy medium.

There's a phase of growth before me, vast and deep as the ocean, as there is much for me to learn. I'm done with clinging to the log. Time to go deep-sea-diving.

-Barbarella

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