I almost don�t want to update this, just wanted to keep up a poignant entry, serving as a reminder of the good things, the sad things, in so many ways. But we can�t keep thinking of the same things forever, else we�ll never move and grow or experience the new things we were meant to experience. Yesterday was the most unproductive day I believe I have ever had. I succeeded in staring at the wall for a good hour straight. Stuck in that mental space that keeps us suspended between thoughts, not quite able to completely grasp one or the other, just there, stuck, in the middle of them. Things I need to do, things I want to do, who I want to be, how to become her, become me.

The window of my car is broken, damn electric thing, it�s stuck open. Of course, it WOULD wait until I had it all the way down before it blew a fuse, or whatever they do when they break. Cats are jumping in my car at night, pretty soon, it�ll be the local alley hang out. The only good thing about this is that my hair is beautifully wind-blown this morning. Very natural looking.

So back to work after four days. Four VERY needed days. Not that I really got anything accomplished, but man, I needed to relax in a big way. I�m so unmotivated. What a silly state to be in, that of not being motivated. Unable to have enthusiasm or even energy to do the simplest things. Is this what depression is? How self-indulgent is that? Everyone in the office today seems to have so much energy, such drive. And all I want to do is go back home, disappear. Not deal. I was tired yesterday. Catching up on days without sleep, I pretty much passed out wherever I sat, frustrating my sister, because it was impossible, trying to wake me. I would be semi-conscious for a brief moment, unable to open my eyes anyway, and pass right back out. I�m tired, okay?

They were able to get me out last night, though. Jane, the eldest, the saleswoman, dragged me out with her and Jenny at 9:30 to get some dinner. She promised me the place had pasta, the only thing I felt like I could eat at the time. We got there, they didn�t, I had to nibble on a garden burger. But I�m happy I got out, after being stuck to the pillow all day. It�s impossible to stay in a bad mood when I�m around any two of my sisters at any given time. By the end of the meal, their giggles were contagious, their comments outrageous, and their facial expressions hilarious.

Last night, I slept very well. Today, I still feel blah. Very little energy, very little tolerance for people. I�ll snap out of it, I know I will. But until I do, I will remain frustrated and suspended in this shitty space. I�m sick of people. I want so bad to grab hold of any one of these thoughts that seem to be floating in the air around me. Grab hold of one, stick it in my head, where it belongs, and act accordingly. Or just ACT. Once I get a few more days worth of sleep, I�m going to work on being ME more. And that means letting go of all of those people, things and ideas that are not a part of the better me I want to be.

Has a nice ring to it, right? Like poetry. Like life, when you�re really living it. And isn't that what we're all here for? To LIVE it? I'll be right there, I'm on my way, back to life, back to living, back to me. It's a great place to be.

-Barbarella

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