Interesting weekend. Full of events, even more full of thoughts. You know, that thing I do too much of? Thinking? Been very caught up in my head, almost confused in many ways. But on the way home from my sister's tonight, watching clouds like hematite stones, deep silver black, sliding their way in front of a full white moon, the random words and phrases finally joined forces in my mind to make complete thoughts. That made sense to me, finally. Or at least for now. And, in an ironic and opposite sort of way, the less I saw of the moon as it was slowly engulfed by the dark clouds and the night sky, the more I saw of me. These 10 to 15 minutes of thoughts, reflections and updates, they are not ME. Events of this weekend led to these recent introspections. Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes.

I saw many friends this weekend. Friday night, all friends that I've been with recently, friends who know me on that day-to-day level, you know, the ones who can read your mind and speak your words when you forget what it is you wanted to say? It was lovely, a drink at Nunu's, hanging at Pixie's. Perfect. Laughter, craziness, good times. Good people. I love them very much for many reasons. Then, Saturday night, I saw many friends, whom I've loved for many years, but whom I've seem to have lost a bit of that day-to-day closeness with. It happens. And it was magnificent to see them, the grin on my face was felt throughout every fiber of my being. But one aspect of it has had my mind in hyper-mode. A lot of these wonderful people read this diary. I think it's great that we can keep in touch when our lives are busy by checking our various web logs and seeing what each of us is up to. Technology is wonderful that way.

BUT (and here's the "but" you've all been waiting for) I would never want this form of keeping up with each other to replace in-person conversation. What I write here is what's on my mind, some updates, the few things in my very busy and very thoughtful life that I choose to put out there. I know this is public, and I definitely edit many things, both for the sake of privacy for those around me, and my own selfish reasons. Vulnerability. It's not the easiest thing in the world to figuratively peel back one's skull and reveal the inner workings of one's mind. I realize, recently, with things that I've put out there, thoughts and feelings, opinions that I've shared, just how guarded most people are about their OWN thoughts, feelings and opinions. It's not like I go around 24 hours a day thinking over and over about something I've written, perpetually living in one passing thought or opinion, oh no.

I like to observe and analyze, think and write, and figure out things about myself in the process. You know, I find that people in general strive so hard for individuality and uniqueness, but at the same time, they need to know that they are liked, accepted. I know I'm that way. It's innate for people to want to belong to something, in some way. So when we have thoughts that could result in others feeling put off or in others not liking us because of something we think, we tend to hold back. Keep it in. Think what we're thinking and move on. Smile and withhold. We all do this. It's appropriate, it's acceptable, it's polite. It's a good way to be if you're worried about reactions to your words.

I worry. I worry that my friends will feel more guarded because they fear my judgment, my opinions. Instead of being as open and beautiful as they are with themselves, and just as open to hearing whatever it is I have to say without feeling judged. I'm not judging here. I'm contemplating, I'm questioning, I'm stating, and my thoughts are ever-changing, as is everything in this world that lives. When we grow, we change, and when you stop growing, learning, or changing, you might as well be dead. I'm always open to discussion, I always like to shoot the shit about subjects, both personal and broad, subjects that people disagree on, subjects that make us think, make us question ourselves and others, and not because we are unsure. More because when you continue to question, you continue to answer. And sometimes, when we grow in some way, an answer we thought we knew but stopped questioning has changed beneath our very noses.

We love to peek inside each other's heads, we love to know what our friends are thinking, what strangers are thinking. Because we are constantly comparing those thoughts to our own. We are checking in, making sure in a way that we're all on some similar level. I want to know what my friends think. Directly. I had some great little side conversations Saturday night, seeing faces, getting hugs, communicating two-way. I want more of that. Because as much as the computer brings us together when we are apart, it makes it way too easy to bring us apart when we were together.

I'd love to have some real one-on-one time with people, that's all. Because this, these updates, this is not the me that my close friends know. This is a strobe-light in the dark of the party that is my life. And I want to invite everyone I know and love to turn on the light and see all there is to see. That's what knowing someone, really knowing someone, is all about: illumination.

-Barbarella

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