�Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are dead.� � Aldous Huxley

�The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sales.� � William Arthur Ward

I�m an inconsistent realist, for the most part. Just thought I�d share. Last night was, how you say, interesting. Good things! I�m stoked for my friend, Zim. He has succeeded in taking another step towards a goal he�s been working on for quite awhile now, and within a matter of days will own his own business. He stopped by last night, glowing, excited, anxious, full of everything it takes to follow through with what you start. That�s fucking awesome. After work, Kitty stopped by for a bit to check out those scandalous photos, and then Jen and I made dinner and hung for a bit. Then later, Pixie stopped by to chat and hang for another bit. Now, I have a bit of a problem, well, we have a bit of a problem, and it�s been hell trying to solve it. Remember that Seinfeldian neighbor who has the tendency to work his way into our place, park his bum somewhere and NEVER leave?

Yes, of course you do. We�re having dinner, and this guy comes over. Jenny and I have a pet peeve about ANYONE stopping over unannounced. Now, this is a problem I have solved for myself, when I am home and answer the door, I say hi and let him know I�m busy, in a polite, yet curt, manner. It�s the only thing he reacts to. He�s actually stuck his knee in the door to keep me from closing it before. Let me back up for a bit � Imposer just moved here, has no friends, comes over all the time and just sits in our place. Feeling bad for him and wanting to give him a warm welcome to San Diego, we allowed his entry the first few times, humored his humorless visits, and then began to feel resentful when they increased in frequency and duration. Why were we resentful? Because he was oblivious to all of our blatant hints. But this is where I stopped my sister. I said, �How can we possibly fault him? It�s not like we�re being clear on where we stand here. Yes, we believe our �hints� to be painfully blatant, but he�s either just not getting it, or he�s pushing the envelope until we actually verbalize what�s up.� She agreed.

So what to do, what to do. It was simple for me. I don�t let him in, I am cursory and cordial, and when he does manage to slip through the door (this has actually happened a few times), I say something that is impossible to misinterpret, like, �I prefer to be here alone, guess I�ll catch you later!� This was not easy to do, I worked my way up to that. One time he came over, and I was on the phone with my bank, on hold. I went to the door, said, �Hi, just on the phone with my bank, doing chores and errands,� and he CAME inside and SAT on the couch and started talking! I was baffled, this was absurd, it was just wrong! He talked about looking for a job, a friend who might visit, yadda yadda yadda, and I said, �It�s hard for me to engage in this, you know, hold music is distracting.� So he kept talking anyway, making comments about the Simpsons, which was playing on my TV. I was astounded.

Bank stuff is personal. He didn�t get it, this wasn�t working. I was so blown away I didn�t know what to do. I talked to the bank representative for almost 20 minutes, and Imposer did NOT leave that couch. When I was off the phone, I practically shoo�d him the fuck out. This is where the dilemma comes in; Jenny cannot be straightforward with him. He comes over last night, we�re having dinner, she opens the door, and while we are sitting and eating, he is just standing there, awkwardly, making comments about random shit intermittently. I�m not rude to him in front of Jen because she feels guilty and it always backfires on me because she�ll try to make up for my aloof behavior around this guy and he ends up staying even longer. I couldn�t take it, thought I might just have some kind of tantrum. I looked at him, laughed incredulously, and said, �I�m sorry, but you know, I�m kind of ANTIsocial when I�m having dinner with my sister!�

He sat on the chair and said, �I�ve never seen this episode of Seinfeld.� And DIDN�T leave. Is it me? I finished my dish, rinsed it off (okay, so I just stuck it in the sink, you got me) and proceeded to gather things for laundry, listing off the chores I had to do that evening. And finally, with me blatantly (I may need to redefine blatant because of this poor little fucker) ignoring him, he left. I need to teach Jen how to politely but firmly send him away when his company is not desired (which, for me, is never). This seems rude, I know, it seems heartless, the poor guy has no friends, yadda yadda, trust me, we�ve been over it all. But when it comes down to it, we are polite and neighborly, and have no problem saying howdy and making that small talk. He is relentless and it drives us insane. He�ll bang on the window and door over and over and over if we don�t answer immediately. Jenny likes to take naps, and he bangs and bangs, knowing she�s home, and she just covers her head with the pillow.

I have said on several occasions, �okay, that means you have to leave now,� and that�s something that Jen is just going to have to learn. See, I don�t mind being the bad guy, the bitch sister who makes it impossible for him to come in and invade our space. But what will she do when I�m not home? We�ve invited the vampire in, and now he feels like he can come whenever the mood strikes him (which, with his door directly across from ours, is every single fucking time he notices us come home). Curt didn�t work, joking didn�t work, hinting definitely didn�t work. I�m going to have to resort to my last option � Bitch. I�m doing it for the good of our sanity. To prevent this in the future, I'm going to have to actually say, "Listen, you're nice and all and you are our neighbor, but we don't like it when people just come over, our friends call first, and even though you live right here, we expect that kind of courtesy." Or something like that. If you have any other methods, I�m seriously all ears. I hate to hurt his feelings, but he is not someone I want as a friend and seriously not someone I want lingering around my habitat while I try to live my life. Any suggestions?

Bitcharella, signing off.

-Barbarella

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