This is the first morning I�ve felt this refreshed in� wow, I can�t even remember. Going to bed early 3 nights in a row really does work for you energy levels! Who the fuck knew? But damn, when my alarm went off, I didn�t even fight it, didn�t crave the pillow back on my head when I rose from my bed. It was a good feeling. Last night, my cousin FINALLY made it here from Jersey, after delays and changes of plans. Too tired to deal, I sent him to my mother�s via phone (he called on his way and I told him to go to her place). There�s a lot of history with me and this particular nuclear family in my life, that of my mother�s sister. They seem to run on a different kind of fuel than we do. Competition, status, guilt. Selfishness. They could break records in family estrangement. But, because of the fuel WE run on, when it comes down to it, they�re family and we won�t play the same game. It�s just the way we are, and I love the way we are. It�s no use to give you dozens of examples, there�s really no point in rehashing all of the outrageous incidences, just take it from me, I don�t feel like I particularly owe any one of them anything in life. They are there, we are here, and sometimes, we happen to be in the same city, and we are generous and cordial.

So, he�s here with a friend, they rented a convertible mustang and drove to Vegas, now they�re in San Diego and expecting a good time. I think Jen wants to take them to Pacific Beach tonight. I HATE the Pacific Beach night scene. If we were going to the Casbah, or even Hedonism, I could deal with playing the hostess/tour guide, whatever. But I will NOT go to PB. The people at the PB bars scare me. Frat Boys, drunk kids, fuck, drunk everybody. A gathering of drunks in a beach-type meat-market environment where everyone seems to have a giant �S� for Stupid on their foreheads. Not many people can see this �S�, but I swear when I�m there, I can�t see much else. Call me jaded. So hopefully, Jen will entertain, and I can go about my life as usual.

As usual. I wonder what that is, lately. I have so much that I want to do, and I�ve been keeping myself happily distracted with fun. There�s nothing wrong with that, I believe, but when even the fun become stagnant, I realize that there are other things I need to be doing. For me. So more on that later, as my mind emerges from the depths of my personality and begins to take inventory and report what�s been going on in there while I�ve been too busy living in the moment to notice.

Last night was nice and mellow. Had dinner with Jen, showed pictures to Kitty, and then headed over to Pixie�s to whisk she and Pony over to B-Love�s. He�s got such a great pad, some of his brother�s (D-love�s) art on the walls, bright colors, funky cats. Yeah, I said cats, can you hang? We babbled on about our recent antics, asked him about his and continued to babble out ours. He shared a few Burning Man pics (looks like fun!) and gave us the update on his busy life. Like I said, nice and mellow. Would I mince words? Hmm? No.

I don�t know anything right now. This happens to me, you know, when there�s so much going on in my head that even I can�t keep track of it. Kitty calls these times my �pensive moments�. The problem is, I can�t focus, I�m preoccupied, but I don�t know exactly WHAT I�m preoccupied with. It takes awhile for my subconscious to figure shit out before it decides to slowly spoon-feed some of those concepts to my conscious, so that I can chew them, digest them, understand and use them to my advantage. This is the waiting period. And as my friends know, I hate to wait. I know that my hair looks fabulous today. I know that I love. And for now, I guess, that�s all I really need to know. God, I can�t wait to figure this stuff out. It�s like a puzzle, you know. My mind works that way, because it knows how much I love to solve things. It will give me a piece here, a piece there, and eventually, as with us all, I�ll figure out whatever it is I need to in order to get to the next step, the next puzzle. What fun!

-Barbarella

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