Neil and John are still searching the ruins for Jeffrey. Our candles are still lit. Jen spoke with Jane & Carol this morning, Jeffrey's sister and mother. She walked into my room, crying so hard she could barely speak or breathe and said, "That was the hardest phone call I've ever made."

The prayer of St. Anthony dictates that the candle must stay lit. Jen let Jane know that our candles are still lit and we have not given up hope, and she put Aunt Carol on the phone. Aunt Carol said, in a steady voice, "You know, there's still a lot of people down there, there's so much rubble to be cleared, Jeffrey's a strong man, if there are survivors, he's one of them." Then, her voice completely broke, and through tears, she said, "You know, Jen, I'm just so afraid my candle is going to go out! I lit another one just in case, but I'm just so afraid that the flame will die and what it could mean if it does."

Then the other line rang and they said quick goodbyes. And Jen shared with me the conversation. And we checked emails from Uncle Jimmy and Dad, sent to all, telling of their unspeakable losses, the friends missing, some I know, have had dinner with on the East Coast, friends of my parents. Friends of my aunts and uncles.

I'm in a state of disbelief. So are they. Until there is a body, we will not accept death. But Jesus Christ, people are finding only parts in some areas. Last night, they found Jeffrey's can, the can of foam that only he holds in the department, and it was intact. And that untouched can gave them all the hope they needed to come back today with hardly any sleep and dig more. We watched on TV as the wounded told of the bravery of that first crew; one man in a hospital bed, through tears, said, "you don't understand, these guys are heroes, they're beyond amazing, they just kept going back in, and back in, as it was crumbling down, they just kept going back in."

I'm still having my party in LA tomorrow. I'm still driving out of town and meeting with friends and celebrating a quarter of a century of my life. Is it wrong of me? Jen and I are heading to the mall, and I'm going to buy something pretty to wear. The truth is, I'd like to get away from it all right now. I'd like to party in a house in another city and pretend like there's nothing else but that house, my friends who are there, our laughter and music and that's it.

Just for a bit. Just a little. Just to go a few hours without crying. I know I can do it. I'm great with distractions, a professional escape artist. This is one time, though, that I think I really need it.

So hopefully, my next update will be filled with tales of my crazy party, of the things I know are planned, the things I will find out that have been planned for me. What good would it do to sit down here all weekend and wait and cry, extending the duties of the past 3 days? None. I just want it all back, is all. And I'm going to take the bits and chunks as they come of my life before tragedy struck.

And for me, that's the party.

-Barbarella

previous | next