I usually tell my friends, when they�re upset, �Fuck it. It�s a waste of time to stay angry, don�t let it affect you, it�s not worth the energy, you�re above this, etc.� But, as I found myself today feeling hurt, angered, annoyed, just downright pissed and indignant, well, my words of advice weren�t as easy as I thought they�d be to execute. People amaze me. The things they say versus the things they do, if only I recorded it all and played it back, how silly we�d feel when we realize how often we contradict ourselves. I�m guilty of it too, we ALL do it, do NOT think that ANY of you have not fallen into that at one point or another. We do it. Context may vary, times in our lives definitely vary. But we still do it.

I�ve never disliked someone so much that I would be physically incapable of seeing and interacting with them in public. Oh, there have been people I don�t particularly care for, there are definitely acquaintances I have that I wouldn�t go out of my way to spend time with, but in a social atmosphere? I wouldn�t rob myself of the enjoyment of mingling and seeing my friends because someone might be there that I didn�t �love�. That�s just fucking ridiculous. Yeah, there have been parties I�ve not gone to because I didn�t feel like a certain crowd at a certain time, but if I really wanted to go somewhere, if it was, say, a friend�s birthday, or special event, or just something that sounded like fun to me, something I know that I would enjoy or want to attend, I wouldn�t NOT go because of personal conflicts I feel and/or have with someone else who was going.

How STUPID is that? No, I would go, I would be cordial and everything would be fine, I would have fun and I would SHOW UP. Like Jacob�s said before, �showing up in life�. I would show up. Just be cool. I don�t have to be fake to be cool. I can say �hi� and �what�s up� without being rude OR fake. It�s called being cordial, and getting along for the sake of the majority of your friends who are friends with each other. It�s called not being selfish and breaking out of our indignant shells. However, as I mentioned at the beginning here, easier said than done. I am upset, I am angry. I may not want to see someone because of that. So I may not call directly or go out of my way right now. But what I WILL do is be honest. And when events come up that I feel like going to, a certain person�s presence would not stop ME from going and having fun. Because they will already know where they stand with me.

Being hurt or angry doesn�t always end friendships with me. It�s just another bump in the road of life, a speed bump, perhaps, that slows things down a bit. Slows ME down a bit. And I need that right now. I�m sick of tension. I�m sick of witnessing other people not enjoy themselves based on the specific attendance of a gathering. Fuck it all.

Today, my sister had her baby shower. Pixie came, as Heather knows and loves her and sent her an invitation of her own accord. I enjoyed fucking with the older, religious women. A few of them have their �opinions� of �those gay people�. I made it very clear that this boy about to be born may very well be the next Kevin Aucoin. For every toy car, a make-up kit. Then, there was talk of Children�s Bibles and Prayer Books. I announced loudly and clearly that that was wonderful! It would counteract the Pagan Book I intended to gift the young lad with on his birthday. Most of the ladies (social friends of Jane�s, whom I�ve partied with before in Vegas) were laughing their asses off. But the two women� they didn�t look amused. And that amused me greatly.

Spiteful and crass because of my mood? Perhaps. I honestly don�t give a shit what the reasoning was, because it felt good to get that reaction, good to give the stingy, stiff, intolerant old women a slap of realization right on their tight asses. I�m okay with being angry and upset. In a base sort of way, it feels good. Almost energizing. Not something I would live off of, it�s too rich and takes up way too much energy to chew. But tasting it, I can see how the occasional bite is not only delicious in its richness, but in its brevity, and the fact that just a pinch can bring such balance to my life.

-Barbarella

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