I suppose I should stop grazing the leftovers from Friday�s potluck party and start typing, which is the only passageway to beginning my actual work day. I must say, though, a nibble of cheese and crackers was actually a satisfying breakfast, along with the hot tea I�ve been guzzling since I walked into work RIGHT on TIME. Speaking of time, Spider Monkey gave me the most fabulous watch in the history of my wrist. Smooth, silver, shiny, simple. All the things I love in jewelry, AND it�s practical! I�m surprised I�ve lasted this long without one, what with my time obsession.

My weekend, my weekend. I�m a little sick today, whooping cough, I believe. I stopped smoking completely when this began several days ago, so maybe it will be extended, this clearing of my lungs, as my cilia attempts to regenerate and flush out the icky, ruined areas from nicotine and tar. Only time will tell. The worse the coughs get at this point, the cleaner my lungs feel. Seems so simple, doesn�t it?

Update! Friday night, after helping my sister with hair and makeup for a policeman�s holiday ball, I stayed in and watched a movie, beginning of my feelin� poopy stage (read: under the weather). Saturday, after a medicinal breakfast at D.Z. Akins with Ms, I went to my mother�s. I didn�t last very long, you know. My sister was upset with me when I announced after 20 minutes that my stay was over; she said, �It annoys me that you can�t deal , Barb, I can handle it, so you should be able to also!� I reminded my dear sister that I do not lack the skills needed for handling a situation such as the one created annually, fuck, every other month actually, when Mother and Event collide. I told Jen that I am quite capable of �dealing� with my mother, but that I am not interested in expending the energy, the time, I CHOOSE not to be drained like that.

There is NOTHING WRONG with that. I keep telling myself, over and over and over. There is NOTHING WRONG with that. With wanting to be away from anger and upset and inappropriate expressions of love, NOTHING WRONG with wanting to be away from rage, and remembrances of childhood insecurities, of guilt and fear and loathing. NOTHING. Nothing. It does not mean that I do not love my mother. I do. I love her and care for her and wish her happiness and joy. However, I realize that her happiness and joy do NOT depend on me and/or my actions. Her sadness and pain is NOT a result of anything I do or do not do. We choose how we feel, and I�ve said this a million fucking times, no matter how I try or hope or wish it to be, I do NOT have the power to make her SEE, to take away her pain, to make her happy. I just don�t. And I�ve accepted that.

So it may seem as if I don�t care when I refuse to put myself in the line of fire for her sake. I am not a punching bag, I am not a receiver of projected pain, my antennas are down, my phone is turned off. I don�t even want to know about it any more. Christmas is in two days. I do not want to be at my mother�s house. Her father is here. It was great to see him. I hardly know him. His smile is warm, shines through his 81-year-old eyes. His hug, sincere. I don�t really care if I see him again or not, though. He�ll be down there for 3 weeks, at my mother�s house. And? Am I cold? Am I heartless? Am I wrong? No, there is NOTHING WRONG with that! Nothing. Why should I WANT to spend my time, valuable time, shouting one and two-word sentences at an old man I do not know?

I think it angers me that my family imposes their feelings of what is right and wrong, what should or should not be done, expectations. That if I choose to be away from the center of the drama, I am a bad and careless person. I love to be around my sisters, my father, even my mother at times. But I am putting myself right back on that string, the one I thought was completely severed when I moved to LA. Apparently, these things have the ability to regenerate. I feel tugged, pulled in directions I do not wish to go. I can only hope they understand when I pull out the proverbial scissors this season and cut myself off, clean, even. I shouldn�t have to move away to establish my boundaries. I must say, though, right about now, New York is looking REALLY good.

-Barbarella

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