Things have been hectic at work, but Iíll try to bang out a little update before this morningís meeting. The busier my life gets, the bigger my problem of dealing with my guilt in relation to my family and friends. It seems like parties and family gatherings are being planned all around me, and I canít make it to any of them. I choose not to make it to them, because my priorities right now are things having to do with me - school, work, gallery, man. There is no room for family dinners, no time for birthday parties.
How can they not take that personally? Shouldnít I be making time for the people who are important to me? Not now. Now my time is reserved, and I need to accept that before I expect anybody else to.
This weekend is Photo L.A. Iíll be running up early Saturday morning for breakfast with M.s.ís cousin, then weíll be at the civic center all day (4 of the 12 galleries that represent M.s. will be at the show), and then weíre meeting up with J&S in Venice Beach. Iím looking forward to the weekend. Iím looking forward to Matthewís show on Friday night, to Fizgig and Curious G spinning their tunes. Hey, thatís kind of like a party. So maybe I should stop griping, and I should definitely stop feeling guilty. Thatís only hurting me.
People can deal, people can heal. I really need to stop worrying about whether or not theyíre upset with me. For all I know, people wouldnít give two shits about knowing what Iím up to. All of this and a presentation to write, create for school, an accompanying paper to write that goes with it. Because everyone in my class is a fucking MORON, and Iím seriously beginning to doubt one of my learning team memberís ability to read. The educational system has failed this one. Now, I have to write a paper for both of us to get the grade.
Sounds a lot like life. Itís hard for me not to be bothered by the fact that 15 days have gone by since my sister last spoke to me, despite the fact that it also feels like a big relief to not have to deal with her drama. My feelings are mixed, my guilt and my belief that Iím standing on the moral high-ground argue daily within me. Iíll figure it out. Until then, Iíll keep plugging away. Clients to tend to at the office, lawyers asses to wipe and secretaries to shmooze. Homework to do, things to learn, dinner with Dad, stress about what Iím not doing for the gallery and at the end of the day, my head will hit the pillow and I will do my best to keep it from bursting.
The only problem with battling yourself is that in the end, you are both the winner and the loser.