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2004-03-18

Lookin' Up out of My Head

ďIn a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.Ē - Eric Hoffer

Headline: ďLove Canal Declared Clean, Ending Toxic HorrorĒ . So what Iím hearing is, ass-fucking got the green light? Clean canal, eh? No dirty toxins to fear? Hmm. This is the best headline all week.

So things are smoothing out at the office, we had a nice little meeting yesterday to air the dirty laundry (stinky stuff) and suggest solutions. Personally, I feel a lot better. Iím still trying to detach from negative emotions, especially those of guilt or regret. Last night I shed some tears over my recent decision to cut my sister off until she can demonstrate genuine kindness and respect in my direction. See, the problem is, I care so much that I would rather stress out and get hurt than hurt someone I love. Sometimes, though, it is the act of taking care of yourself that teaches others how to take care of you. If I say through my actions ďItís okay for you to treat me like shit and talk to me the way you do,Ē I have no right to be upset. In the past, despite my upsets or hurt feelings, I would continue to put myself in the path of their source. Iím sick of getting run over, so I am leaving this path until I sense the road is clear.

My Irish father spent the green holiday in an Asian country. His Irish daughter (moi) forgot to wear green. Shh, donít tell.

Why do I care so MUCH what people think about my intentions? Why do I get SO upset when Iím not understood? Huh? Why do I stress over such silly little things that no one else seems to care about? I agonize over tiny decisions that involve any type of interaction with others in my life. Agonize. Worry. Stress. Why? Yes, because I care, but can I care TOO much? When I care so much I donít sleep at night because it distresses me so much to be misunderstood, I wonder if other people bat a lash at this kind of thing. I honestly believe Iíd rather care too much than not at all. But man, itís really starting to wear me down. I need to find a happy medium. I need to stop worrying how someone is going to react to my honesty. The truth hurts sometimes, you know. But it also helps, if youíre interested in being helped of course.

For those who donít want to change - it just hurts, and for those who donít want to listen and try to understand, those wounds never heal. On a brighter note, things are always wonderful with my love. He makes me so very happy. Everything that is already wonderful and amazing, he makes even better.

Weíre going to see Varekai tomorrow night! I canít wait!!! I will see Cirque for the first time V.I.P. style, with the best seats in the house, and the best man on my arm. Iíll keep that active in my mind, and these other little stresses will just melt away. Because in the grand scheme of my happiness, they really don't matter.

-Barbarella

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2007-05-19
NEW SITE!!!!

2007-05-16
Links and Update

2007-05-09
Two Links

2007-05-06
Yes, Even MORE new pictures

2007-05-06
Mizz Asshole

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Lookin' Up out of My Head 2004-03-18 11:07 a.m.

ďIn a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.Ē - Eric Hoffer

Headline: ďLove Canal Declared Clean, Ending Toxic HorrorĒ . So what Iím hearing is, ass-fucking got the green light? Clean canal, eh? No dirty toxins to fear? Hmm. This is the best headline all week.

So things are smoothing out at the office, we had a nice little meeting yesterday to air the dirty laundry (stinky stuff) and suggest solutions. Personally, I feel a lot better. Iím still trying to detach from negative emotions, especially those of guilt or regret. Last night I shed some tears over my recent decision to cut my sister off until she can demonstrate genuine kindness and respect in my direction. See, the problem is, I care so much that I would rather stress out and get hurt than hurt someone I love. Sometimes, though, it is the act of taking care of yourself that teaches others how to take care of you. If I say through my actions ďItís okay for you to treat me like shit and talk to me the way you do,Ē I have no right to be upset. In the past, despite my upsets or hurt feelings, I would continue to put myself in the path of their source. Iím sick of getting run over, so I am leaving this path until I sense the road is clear.

My Irish father spent the green holiday in an Asian country. His Irish daughter (moi) forgot to wear green. Shh, donít tell.

Why do I care so MUCH what people think about my intentions? Why do I get SO upset when Iím not understood? Huh? Why do I stress over such silly little things that no one else seems to care about? I agonize over tiny decisions that involve any type of interaction with others in my life. Agonize. Worry. Stress. Why? Yes, because I care, but can I care TOO much? When I care so much I donít sleep at night because it distresses me so much to be misunderstood, I wonder if other people bat a lash at this kind of thing. I honestly believe Iíd rather care too much than not at all. But man, itís really starting to wear me down. I need to find a happy medium. I need to stop worrying how someone is going to react to my honesty. The truth hurts sometimes, you know. But it also helps, if youíre interested in being helped of course.

For those who donít want to change - it just hurts, and for those who donít want to listen and try to understand, those wounds never heal. On a brighter note, things are always wonderful with my love. He makes me so very happy. Everything that is already wonderful and amazing, he makes even better.

Weíre going to see Varekai tomorrow night! I canít wait!!! I will see Cirque for the first time V.I.P. style, with the best seats in the house, and the best man on my arm. Iíll keep that active in my mind, and these other little stresses will just melt away. Because in the grand scheme of my happiness, they really don't matter.