I'm frustrated right now. Fed up and frustrated, on several accounts. Unfortunately, I'm taking it out on My poor s, being snippy and such. Being preoccupied. Last night I cried before falling asleep. My mind raced with questions of mortality, people unsatisfied, friends and relatives in self-destructive patterns, too comfortable and scared to get out of them.

I thought about losing David. I thought about dying and having no afterlife. I thought about the frustrations of others, and then I contemplated all of the work I should be doing, I thought about how bad I am. These are not pleasant thoughts, and they are entertained in my mind so rarely that when they all come at once, I'm not all too sure how to handle them.

So I think about things to look forward to. Tonight we join a few friends for a wine tasting dinner at Kemosabe. One more week, and we'll be on the east coast. Wednesday, Ronaldo will be doing my hair! This weekend, my niece will celebrate her first birthday party. These things are fun and wonderful and yet... my life is spreckled with drama right now.

I wish my sister would stop feeling like such a victim and take control of her life. I wish my friends would recognize the sources of their unhappiness and make the necessary changes in their lives in order to be happy. I wish my family wouldn't be so paranoid about my writing -- this is the deal: in the end, every thought I have will be published, good or bad, but all true. Deal with it now, and you won't have to worry later.

I just took a handful of phone calls, and now I'm a bit cheerier - I'm looking forward to tonight.

May god spare me the theatrics of unhappy people.

-Barbarella

previous | next