Something I wrote in my automatic journal while thinking about my mother and the status of our "relationship". I called my mother the other day, it's the first time we've spoken in almost 2 weeks. It was awkward. It was like 'calling an acquaintance and asking for a favor' awkward. I felt like suddenly, I alone was shouldering the responsibility of salvaging any type of relationship with her. That it was my fault if it all went to shit because I didn't go that extra step. So this is what I thought about that:

All the work we do to forgive, to move on. To let go. Told that it is not my place to deem whether or not someone deserves to be punished - or praised.

But I think, if someone hurts me, why should I have to do all the work just to make things okay? Why should I scramble to fix and be okay with it, why should I accept them for how they are because I can't change them? What if I just can't accept it? What if I know that regardless of what I say or do, how I react, that this person will continue to hurt me, deliberately and relentlessly?

I don't want to be that noble. I don't want to rise above it. I don't want to deal with it at all. I just want it to go away. And I don't want to feel guilty for banishing it.

-Barbarella

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