I just got over being cranky. Might have something to do with only getting a few hours of sleep last night, but usually, even tired, I�m not as cranky and pissed with the world as I was this morning. I don�t like to be judgmental. I don�t enjoy the thoughts that zing back and forth in my head when I am cranky, thoughts that speak under and over the radio and no matter how far to the right I turn that volume knob, the noise could not drown out the thoughts. Thoughts like, �That guy�s a loser. That girl�s pathetic. Those people annoy me.�

Obviously, these are not positive thoughts. I allow it to snowball, once I�m on an angry tirade, it�s all the juice needed to jettison me into Hate-Land for a spell. That�s just not a pretty place. So anyway, let me explain my evening last night. Another wonderful evening in the life of me, filled with awesome people and genuine laughter. The kind of evening that begs to be split right smack dab in the middle with some kind of drama. Thank you, Universe, that�s exactly what I got.

After work, I headed to my father�s company party. Gorgeous setting, some very well-rounded, funny and intelligent people, some assholes (this is inevitable, I find, at least at company parties. We aren�t necessarily �choosing� all these people). It was a splendid time, I sat with my father and some good friends of his, and we all laughed ourselves silly. My dad telling stories about his siblings (who are hilariously sarcastic), and he and I bantering back and forth for the amusement of the crowd. I left with a huge grin on my face and flowers and gifts in hand.

Then came the middle. I went home, met up with a bunch of friends to go dancing. My sister was lagging, hanging in the other room with her boyfriend, and ended up saying she�d meet us there, to go ahead without her. So on we went. Arriving, I was stoked to see many people I hadn�t seen in awhile, we were, how you say, �rolling deep�. There was some drama about my sister having locked her license in the apartment, someone came to get my keys and left, I hardly gave it a second thought. Then she showed up. Not 20 minutes had passed from the time we left, and my sister was plastered.

Disclaimer, here. I don�t think there�s anything particularly wrong about being fucked up, getting faded, having some fun, letting go, whatever. But I had 3 security guards ask ME to remove her or they�d have to step in. For once, rather than being concerned or worried, I was embarrassed. And immediately guilty for feeling that way. A good friend walked her home, at that point, I didn�t want to deal, and felt just as guilty about that as I felt angry at her for her poor decision-making and inability to hold her liquor. She blacked out, didn�t remember anything this morning, only the familiar mantra, �I�ll never drink again,� escaped her dry lips.

My response to that was �No, you won�t. At least not when you�re out with me. I don�t like you when you�re drinking, and I�d rather not be around it. If you�re going to make bad choices, make them away from me so that I don�t suddenly have to become responsible for you.� I felt mean, people say that�s what you do when you�re 21. But then I thought, No, it�s not. I�ve never blacked out. I�ve never been asked to leave a club, and I�ve never thought back to the night before and been ashamed. Yeah, I�ve done some stupid things, made some weird choices, but I was always aware that I was making them. It�s the literal meaning of the word �self-conscious�. To be aware of self, aware of you�re surroundings. It�s one thing to run around kissing people when you�re drunk if you also would do that when sober without thinking twice about it. But if you�re doing things while you�re drunk that you would abhor finding yourself doing while sober, that�s a problem. A BIG one. Because then, the next morning, you are filled with shame, embarrassment, self-loathing and whatever else comes along with those things. Rather than, Gee, I was a bit out there, but oh well, which is usually my thought after a particularly rambunctious evening.

But anyway, back to last night. After some kind and boosting words from J, I let go of my anger and embarrassment and worry and danced, danced, danced. It�s been too long since I�ve been dancing. It was such a great release, and damn, that music is like audio elixir. I left at the end of the night, brought a few friends back to my place, and walked with them to get some food, when the strangest thing happened.

Walking up a busy, urban street, I slapped the guy next to me and said, �Um, hey, did anyone give me a mind-altering substance when I wasn�t paying attention?� His confused look quickly turned to one of humor as he noticed what I had seen; an old man walking down the median of a 6 lane street, leading a llama, who happened to be wearing a large Mardi Gras-like necklace of purple beads. Yes, the llama wore the necklace. Um, okay. The man was muttering things about vegans and pussies under his breath and shouting at cars, and there was the llama, just following around like a sheep or something. I completely lost it. I thought I had hit the zenith with my random sitings. But baby, this one took the cake. I mean, the hay stack. That is officially the most RANDOM thing I have ever encountered.

So, finally having shaken off my pissiness, I am ready for the day, and what I can only imagine will be a fabulous weekend. My life is far from boring, the antithesis of monotony, and in that I am satisfied. Alright, I�m downplaying it. In that I am ECSTATIC. Despite my dramas and roadblocks, the truth is, I love being me.

-Barbarella

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