I am feeling way too deep to be writing lighthearted thoughts, surface revelations, random observations. I�m too within myself this morning. Lost in thought. The kind of thought you don�t want to share, because it�s not complete, just fragments of ideas, emotions, unruly and scattered, floating around. So many thoughts that it�s too difficult to focus on any one, you are resigned to sit at the edge of the water and watch them swim together, only heads and hands are visible. When one emerges to come and sit by you, possibly speak with you, well then it is clear and close, then you can embrace it, know it, understand it, and only after that, can you share it. I�m so far from that point right now. I have this feeling that I may be distracted today, this Friday, watching my thoughts swim, tempted to jump in with them and get lost, even drown. But I�ve got work to do. The only way to clear this mess is write a poem.

Usually, my poems write themselves and it is only when I read them over that I realize what I�m really saying with rhythmic, pretty words. Maybe by writing a poem, I will capture a thought as with a net and reel it to my embankment of consciousness. Maybe. Anyway, since I can go no further into that realm, I�ll just give a little update.

Last night was fun and relaxing. After my friend and I brought my sister to that bridge we found (oh, and I found the path that goes through the ravine, I can�t wait to get back there!), we made dinner and watched a movie. Quills. My second time seeing it, but it was a first for the both of them. It was even better the second time seeing, because I didn�t miss a word. I�m in love with Geoffrey Rush�s depiction of the Marquis De Sade�s discourse. Oh my GOD, this coffee is bitter. That�s what I get for asking for no milk. See, sometime in my early 20�s (which I�m still in, technically I guess) I developed, and am still developing, some kind of lactose intolerance. Sucks. But I�m taking in less dairy because of it. Oh, did I go off on a tangent?

Anyway, things are picking up at work, I have busy on my plate, busy on the phone, and busy at the door. That�s a good thing. When I don�t have some kind of sense of accomplishment, I go crazy in a downward spiral of self-deprecation. As much drama as there has been here, things are looking good now for me, and I am finally able to close my door and get some shit done. Who knows, maybe I�ll make some real money again. Only time and effort will tell.

As of today, it is 3 weeks since I last had a cigarette. Yes, I�m still keeping track, wouldn�t you? Today is my younger sister�s birthday. Tomorrow, I�m taking her to LA to celebrate. God, I hope I make it back in one piece. I have this problem, this inability to say �no� in LA, to say No to the after party, No to the drugs (how�d you like THAT one, Nancy?), No to sleep. Again, I hope I make it back in one piece. I�m sure I�ll be fine and I�m sure I�ll have fun. Maybe I�ll even get laid. Oh wait, I got laid at work this morning, that�s right! It�s Cinco de Mayo Friday, and my boss got this brilliant idea to make us all wear leis. Yes, I know, Leis? Aren�t those Hawaiian? Yes, they are, but they happen to be the colors of the Mexican Flag, so it�s all good.

See how I bounce around with my conscious thoughts when my subconscious is so busy, milling about, breaking a sweat, gasping for air above the water? That�s okay. In a way, it�s kind of fun. But then, I always did have a strange definition of �fun�. Alright, I am in a driven, get-stuff-accomplished mood. So I�m going to dive into my work right now. Notice the leitmotif? I�ll give you a hint: it has to do with water. There you go. So, as I said, I�m going to dive into my work now, and leave my thoughts alone to swim until they eventually make their way to the shore that is the forefront of my mind. Thank Fucking Christ it�s Friday.

-Barbarella

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